Bar jokes

A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender I m here to assassinate John Tucker. The bartender replies he’s in the restroom. The hit man goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour. The bartender asks him did u kill him? The hitman replies with a sad face “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour and when I asked him what’s taking him so long he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started”.

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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?” The bartender says, “Three feet tall.” The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

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A blind man walks into a bar and starts to swing his guide dog around his head, the bartender asks him nervously “are you okay” the blind man replies “yeah I’m just looking around”

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A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He then picks his dog up by the tail and starts to swing him around. The bartender asks him “Hey man What the hell you doing? ”. Blind guy says “Just looking around”

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A Grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter…The Bartender looked at him and said, “We have a drink named after you”. The Grasshopper replied, “Who names a drink Steve?”

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A nucleus walked into a bar, he asked the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, NO CHARGE!”

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A horse a fox and a bunny join together and make a rock band they started doing tiny gigs but they got famous and went on tour they all got so famous it went to their heads and the band disbanded the fox made his and bunny made her own the horse was sad that the band was no more so he went to a bar and the bartender asked why the long face Why did the chicken cross

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Steven hawking walks into a bar, the bartender says… WAITTTT WHATTT

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”

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A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this – a joke?”

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Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar… “GET OUT OF HERE!!!” The Bartender shouts we don’t serve your type!

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So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, “After this last drink, I’m going to the roof to kill myself.” A guy sitting next to him says, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”, in which the man replies, “Oh yeah?” So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says “You’re not gonna die, watch this!” He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says “Cool, let me try!”, and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says “Superman, you’re an asshole.”

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A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, ?Sorry, we don’t serve food here."

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Guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and yells:who the f@ck f@cked my wife. Everybody silent for a second then the bartender said:mate you ain’t got enough bullets

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, “Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?”

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