Nut jokes

[Çàïðåò ïóáëèêàöèè îò ÐÎÑÊÎÌÍÀÄÇÎÐ]

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Why do vegetarians give good head? Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

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I’m so excited for Christmas Pudding… Pudding these nuts in your mouth

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Why did the hooker quit her job?

She had a nut allergy

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A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me

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What’s the difference between a peanut and a priest?

With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.

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Was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,“If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

%%“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said…“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. "Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”

Not a joke but still dc

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What time is it when when a nurse??? s

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Me: Do you like smash? Friend: Smash Rolls? Me: No, Smash DEEZ NUTS! Friend: AHHHHH (*moans)

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There is a kid in my class who is allergic to peanuts. He says hes gay- he can’t be tho… he’s allergic to nuts!

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%%A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel hanging down his pants. A guy walks buy and says ""Pardon me sir, but you’ve got a wheel hanging down your pants. The pirate responds ‘‘I know. i’ts driving me nuts!’’

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Have you heard of the… uh Pokemon called uh rhy… rhy

Rhydon deez nuts

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Do you like wendys? when deez nutz are in your mouth

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What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

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Are you a walnut because I’m about to nut all over your walls!

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