Best Jokes

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

Orphans are the best targets for bullying, since who they gonna cry too? their parents?

So my friends birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.

Why don’t cows have any money?

Because farmers milk them dry.

The other day a man with some cheese and milk attacked me …how dairy

My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.

Q: what’s stronger than family?

A: whatever tree Paul walker hit

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My Daughter is Super Smart! She pours her own drinks on the floor

Me: want to play 911

My little brother: what’s that

Me: It’s where i kick your legs and you fall

I know Im valuable, I come with a barcode ;)

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? – A waist of time.

Old man goes to the doctor. The doctor says “The test results are back, and I’m sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.”. The old man says “Phew! At least it’s not cancer!”

I’m a Model. my doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram. (Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts

The doctor told me I had aids I said it’s your fault sister.

There was a car accident and the cops pull up to the crime seen to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said what happened here she responded by saying a car crash. They then asked but how did it happen, she responded the cars crashed into each other. They finally said but why did it happen. The lady said oh i know where your going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas peddle the car goes forward and they both pushed it so they both went forward and hit each other. One cop said never mind ma’m and they stared walking away. The blonde lady then said oh and officers my computer froze do you think i should put in the microwave or in the oven?

What is a tornado favorite game?

Twister!

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life change when I found out she was under the horse.

Life is like giving head…it always sucks

If being ugly was a crime you would have a life sentence

My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships

There is a tree out there giving you oxegyn, and you owe that tree an apology.

I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

When I saw your dad on the side walk I didn’t laugh but the sidewalk cracked up.

If I had powers I would make you the dumbest person alive but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart I’d be broke.

You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting

Were you born on a highway cuz that’s where most accidents happen

Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya

Your the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented