Best Jokes

A fat man meets a skinny man The fat man tells the skinny man: “when people look at you, they think the world’s starving to death”

And the skinny man responds: “when they look at you, they know why”

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said “how sick?”. I said “well I’m in bed with my 12 year old sister”.

They say people are 75% water But I’m 100% useless

Depression is like therapy the more you see it the more you get used to it

I will always remember my baby sisters last words.“What is the fire for?”.

ME: when I saw an orphan on the street in rags also me: are u okay orphan: yeah what gave it way ME: because you have no family

Flag of Congo — Kinshasa @osowxvyy I was in Portugal enjoying my lunch when I saw a man choking! i wanted to save him but a local stopped me. “that’s Penandes, he always chokes when it matters most and ghosts in big games.” True enough, Penandes’ Ghost emerged from his body! Poor Penandes, may he get well soon!

Yo mamma so poor that when we went on a date she took off her shoe lases and said spaghetti

Sometimes, stairs get me down.

So a kid is taking a test and the paper says “in a pink bungalow, there’s a pink fridge, and a pink bed, and a pink tv, and a pink cat, what colour are the stairs?”

So the kid answers pink like the idiot he is

My brother couldn’t wait for fall, so I tripped him.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Dulux have created a new type of paint its called Sue grey it covers up everything.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? It depends on how hard you through them.???

Why did the silly girl?? put sugar under her pillow?

She wanted to have sweet dreams.??

Can people please shut up about ‘male privileges’. There is no right that men have that women don’t.

Women have the right to genital integrity. Women can vote without having to sign up for the draft.

Women have the right to choose parenthood, men do not.

Women have the right to be assumed caregivers for children.

Women have the right to call unwanted, coerced sex rape.

Women have the right to lower jail sentences for the same crime.

Women have the right to not be assumed sexual predators.

Women have the right to government departments that solely serve their interests. They also have the luxury of “women only” events that men cannot even dream of. (They even took the boy scouts away from us)

Women have the right to government-enforced gender quotas

Women have the right to exclusive tax benefits for being a business owner.

Women have the right to domestic violence shelters

Women have the right to not be assumed the primary aggressor in a domestic depute

Women have the right to rape a man or boy and if she gets pregnant from that man/boy they can sue him for child support.

So it is women who have more rights.

So shut up feminists please.

Have you heard of the new sequel to “the exorcist”?

A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son

There’s a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, “People need me for my medical skills.” grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, “People need me for my intelligence.” grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, “I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute.” The nerd says, “Don’t worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack.”

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

What’s a depressed person’s least favorite type of cereal???

LIFE

My grief counselor died the other day

He was so good at his job, i don’t even care.

The teacher once said to some students?i was an orphan before your principle hired me.? the students said?oof that is sad? the teacher tried to ignore them and take attendance she said?is anyone missing? the students said? your parents.? the teacher got offended and later that day quit her job

You dream with 4k

As a son I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him, and she don’t want to be with him no more, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny. Then I told my friend girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out, and wanted to co front me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happen then my mom said the same thing happen to me. I came home one day I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job I ask what’s going on. My friend told your mom is my new girlfriend & my mom said this is the penis of my dreams.