Best Jokes

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie ‘Aquaman’. The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie. Shame on you penaldo for destroying my dream

What’s green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s finger.

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato-clock. The shop keeper said, "I dont know what a potato clock is’ The man said, "me neither but im starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9 so id have to get a potato clock

My ex died today. I also lost my job as a butcher

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? – A waist of time.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Daughter: mommy what ever happened to Steven hawking? Mother: he died. Daughter: how did he die? Mother: he never got recharged.

Why did the brother cross the road? Because The Sister Farted.

I really hate waiting to die… Its taking a lifetime

There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl’s house. When he got there, he said to her father “thank you for this moment, have a great night”. At the dance, the girl asks the boy, “can I have some food?” He gladly replies “yes” and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, “thank you so much, I really needed something to eat”. Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, “thank you SOOOO much” Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, “what is it?” She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.

I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions

Onions was a good dog

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up — when they hang themselves.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Depression medicine and therapy

GO AWAY!

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I’m sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10! ? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies “Nine”

What is a suicide packs favorite song… Let the bodies hit floor

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

I keep looking for my girlfriends killer but no one wants to do it.

What does a priest hold on to when having sex. He holds on to the schoolbag.

What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.