Best Jokes

I KNOW IT’S MARCH, BUT I THOUGHT OF THIS!!

Jingle bells, jingle bells! OH GOD, SANTA FELL! I guess it’s time for Mrs. Claus to go straight down to hell!

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

Bonus joke: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

The more suicidal people there are the less suicidal people there are

I was watching my daughter play at the park, a woman came up to me and asked which one was mine, I said I was still choosing.

What’s the difference between my phone and my sister? I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

My friend was pissed of with me. I was sniffing his sisters knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… guardian of the galaxy?

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

Yo mama so fat thanos had to snap twice

Yo mamas so fat that she doesn’t need internet cause she is already world wide

My friend made this joke (so I’m going steal it) I’m surrounded by fat people, oh wait… it’s just one

How does a train eat?

Chew chew!

What is yellow and can’t swim? A school bus full of kids.

What is yellow and does not float well?

A School Bus

Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

Because they’re shellfish!

The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we’ve all kicked a pregnant woman before we where even born.

The doctor says to the woman there was good and bad news. the woman says she wants the bad news first the doctor says the bad news is the baby had red hair. then he said the good news is it is dead.

I took my girlfriend out the other day… Man do I love being a sniper.

Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regreted it. She left him too.

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubbas two best friends the three were inseparable agreed… The first friend said hard to tell can you turn him over the coroner look perplexed but did so nope that’s not Bubba. The second friend said he’s burnt up pretty bad can you roll him over again the coroner didn’t understand but rolled him over anyway, nope that’s not him. Pretty confused the coroner asked how can you tell its not him by rolling him over? well you see Bubba had two assholes, Impossible the coroner replied. The friends said I don’t know but everytime we went to town everyone would say here comes Bubba with them to assholes.

Yo mama so poor she walked into a elevator and thought it was a mobile home.

I just found out my ex got stabbed today…lets just say i lost my job as a butcher

I got a job at a library once, i got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.

One day I was going home, and 7 married men came to me and said you should be proud of your sister. I ask why they told me it was the best that they ever had and we got your sister a trophy. So I went home my sister said look at my trophy I earned. The trophy said The Best Blow Jobs. As a bro I couldn’t be more prouder.