Best Jokes

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you”

Person I’m talking to: Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline “haha what”

The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we’ve all kicked a pregnant woman before we where even born.

The doctor says to the woman there was good and bad news. the woman says she wants the bad news first the doctor says the bad news is the baby had red hair. then he said the good news is it is dead.

What’s the difference between America and a bottle of milk? – In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:

Thou shalt not f… altar boys

I hated church growing up as a child, it was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!

What is a fish’s?? favorite game?

Salmon Says!

Why do you never play a game of cards in the jungle?- cause there are cheetahs!!

Yo mama so fat thanos had to clap

Yo mama so fat, when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes.

Yo mama’s so poor I knocked on her front door of her house and realised I was already outside her backyard!

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubbas two best friends the three were inseparable agreed… The first friend said hard to tell can you turn him over the coroner look perplexed but did so nope that’s not Bubba. The second friend said he’s burnt up pretty bad can you roll him over again the coroner didn’t understand but rolled him over anyway, nope that’s not him. Pretty confused the coroner asked how can you tell its not him by rolling him over? well you see Bubba had two assholes, Impossible the coroner replied. The friends said I don’t know but everytime we went to town everyone would say here comes Bubba with them to assholes.

What’s worse than depression & suicide? Easy: LIVING Everyday you wish you were dead but than reality hits u in the face that your still alive and has to suffer living Pretend or not pretend we have to decide everyday even if we don’t pretend no onw will notice:) no one ever does:) Living is the problem to everything we get depression cuz of it and so much why can’t we just die:)?

Today my idiot brother screamed"ahhhhh im dead!’ but it wasn’t really, so i d3cded to make it a reality until my sister came…

AND HELPED ME! — for once but then two minutes later my mom showed up, we k!lled him right infront of her and she screamed! "DONUTS AND PIZZA FOR YPU AND MORE IF YOU GO TO MRS ROBERTS HOUSE AND SAY HI AND BYE TO DADDY!!! and she hands us both a sharp tool and i say what about tommy!!! arn’t u MAD!!! then she replied who’s THAT??? COZ HE AINT MINE HIS NAME IS TOMMY, TOMMY ROBERTS. so then me and my sister visit mrs ROBERTS AND SHE SAID OH THIS ISN’T ANYTHING IMPORTANT GO HOME! so then my sister nd i say hi! and do a countdount aftr that my nike white jumper had turned red! IT WAS A MUCH BETTER COLOUR, MUM SEEMED TO APROVE AS WELL!??? but then the police question us where daddy was so then mom said… oh he’s moved on! so then the police officer was like ahem ma’m where! SO THEN I BELLOWED… UP — UR -A##. And we got let off the hook, then we moved oh and we k!lled the cop 2 and oh did i meantion we HAD a maid, and a landlord and a cat but they were all 2 annoying so we got rid of them and now our new backyard is very smellyyy and i dont think there is enoff space to put muummy anymore so now i dont think sissy will fit either? ? i will ask my neibour nessy she’ll obviously say YES or ill…

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie ‘Aquaman’. The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie. Shame on you penaldo for destroying my dream

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom

How do asians name there kids?

They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)

Yo mama so fat, she broke the stairs to heaven

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? – Steven Hawking after a house fire.