Best Jokes

A guy is at home and he’s about to go get a physical at the Doctor’s office. When he gets there, the Doctor says, “Brian, you’re going to have to stop masturbating. ” He asked the Doc why? The Doc said, “So I can examine you!”

Have u ever noticed When a woman is pregnant aII her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “weII done”

Q:How do you make a door cry A:Twist it’s knob

I cannot moderate myself at all. It’s either I don’t take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions decisions…

Bleach solves so many problems, Staines, Dirty dishes, messes, and over population

There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

What’s the difference between Steven Hawking and the Statue of Liberty, the statue stands for something

Whats the difference between my thighs and my eyebrows?

Nothing i slit both of them

What’s the difference between Dark humor and Morbid humor? Dark humon is 10 babies in 1 trash can and Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans

What’s the difference between a pizza and a baby? A pizza dosent scream in the oven.

Me and my friend got in to a fight I look straight forward and said look me in my eyes

What’s the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.

Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either

In the hospital paralyzed kid: I’m out walks out the room blind kid: you can walk?! mute kid: you can see?! deaf kid: you can talk?! doctor: wut the f(beep)k

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting mom! you and dad need to stop!

%%Dad: “Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?”

Son: “Nah, mostly men.”

Dad: “Do you think you’d be comfortable telling that to a judge in court…”

I was at a friends place yesterday, and… There was A mother, father, three sons, and a daughter.

That night the mother and father started f@cking each other. I yelled and told them there are innocent children in this house.

An hour later they started up again. I walked to their room and they were asleep. So I looked in the brothers room and all three brothers were f@cking the sister.

I sighed at this. “Incest aside. You guys make a cute family.” I started, “So Anna, when am I gonna have nieces and nephews?” They stopped instantly and went to sleep. “Thank you.” I replied before walking back to my room they let me sleep in and I passed out for the rest of the night.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.

Two artists had an art contest. – It ended in a draw.

Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it’s solved then there’s a little Asian in there.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that