Best Jokes

Why’d sally drop her ice cream she was hit by a bus

Lets make a joke on how depressing monday is to ignore how depressing everyday is.

What’s the difference between America and a bottle of milk? – In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

Why do i love a block? because i can fall off the stairs

They say Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer, too bad he doesn’t cry

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media — it was a picture of me.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today. Now they call him Hot Wheels.

Wood fired pizza?

Hows pizza gonna pay child support now?!:O

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On the inside of a fire hydrant you’ll find H2O. What’s on the outside? K9P

Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone, you ugly two-faced hypocrite.

Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I don’t like ugly peasants.

Man: Your hair colour is fabulous. Woman: I hate your hair colour, though.

Man: You look like a dream. Woman: Then open your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, hypocrite!

Man: I can tell that you want me. Woman: Yes, I want you dead.

R.I.P

Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign? Woman: F*** you, pedophile!

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services for pedophiles.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down, you little peasant.

Man: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? Every other woman I see looks ugly. Bleuch! Woman: How dare you!

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. I saw you playing with boxes in the store room and saying “I AM KING OF THE WORLD!”

How do we know Stephen is dying in hell

There’s a stairway to heaven.

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says “Okay I’d like you to point to wherever it hurts”. So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says “Here. Ow.” She then pokes her arm and says “Here. Ow.” She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop. The doctor say “I know what’s happened to you.” “What’s happened to me??” The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, “You have a broken finger.”

You know, I got a SKELETON, of these jokes, all are HUMERUS, yeah, this get’s Under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening, hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!

Its only ok to beat up an dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say your hair smells nice

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.