Best Jokes

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil?

One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning…

What is red, green, lies in a ditch and is covered in cookie crumbs?

…a girl scout that got hit by a car

Where did the software developer go?! I don’t know, he ransomware!

What’s a aliens favorite computer key?

The space bar!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards… The steaks were pretty high

It’s all fun and games until someone fails at becoming superman.

My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.

I can measure the speed of an object. Because I want to km/s

I’ll always remember my dads last words… Why do you have an axe we live in the city

I just got a job at the prison library. It has its prose and cons.

I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.

The weirdest thing happend to me today i was driving 50mph and hit a speedbump aand it screamed

Tell a dark joke to an orphan then hit them

They’ll get the punchline right away

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again”. His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude’s pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, “Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!” The first guy says “Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!”

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.