Best Jokes

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs? – One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

Doctor: you don’t have long to live. 10… Patient: ten what? ten years, ten months? Doctor: 9… 8… 7…

R u a toaster? cuz i wanna take a bath wit u r u a knife? cuz u make me wanna kms r u a painting? cuz i hang u r u the flu? cuz u make me wanna hurl r u a newspaper? cuz u have new problems everyday r u the ground? cuz im six feet deep in u ;)

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

One, if you throw it hard enough.

What did the fork say to the cake when he said i hope u get eaten

Fork off

Yo mama so poor, she buys used food.

Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex? – Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.

Yo mama so poor, the ducks throw bread at her.

Boys: “Hey, can billy come out and play baseball?” Mom: “That’s not funny, you know billy doesn’t have any arms and legs” Boys: “I know, we need a third base”

Why are washers better than babies?

Washers don’t cry when you put a load in it.

Me: Hey how are you? Depression: I’m doing fine. We are just looking for a home:3 Insomnia: Mommy can we get a home? Anxiety: Insomnia wait for mommy to finish. Depression: Anyway here is my resume! Me: Okie thank you, Ok… mhmmm… WOW! Okie this is a nice resume! (Didn’t Read it…) Depression: Also I have 2 more friends that want to move in too! Me: Ok and there names? Depression: There names are: PTSD and Trauma! Me: Ok they seem fine (Doesn’t know about them) Depression: Okie here is the money (a penny:() Thank you we will call you if we need anything. Me: Ok see you soon!:3 Me now hates my life.:)

You are so fat that the waiter said to you everytime: ‘sorry for your weight’ instead of ‘sorry for the wait’

Q:Whats the difference between a computer and an abortion clinic A: Ctrl+Alt+Delete

So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!:D

Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!

Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it’s solved then there’s a little Asian in there.