Best Jokes

Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? – The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

Me having a good day Going on a walk on a peaceful day* my depression: hey whats up! Me: go away. My depression: well how rude. Me:??. My depression: remeber that one tim… Me: no, dont even. My depression: that we… Me: nope. My deprssion: says really fast:said that one stupid joke that wasnt funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilt water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like yoy do every single night. Me:???. My depression:?? dont worry I’ll always be here for you.

All you need is a Razor Blade in life.

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support.

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I’m just a bit surprised. When I said to you “spit it out” I wasn’t expecting you to say you’ve been shagging my wife.

If you watch " jaws" backward it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who giving arms and legs to disable people

Watches sad movie with family

Everyone else: Crying

Sister: How aren’t you crying?

Me: I have no tear left to cry…

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

Bonus joke: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

My doctor said “you have 1year to live”

I said " you wanna bet"

Bam a gun shot

Doctor: you’ll be at peace soon, sir. Me: what am I dying? Doctor: no your wife is.

What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

What’s the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustation

You mama is like train tracks she gets laid all around the country

My sister told me she like Medusa. I said h. My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy facial expression and when the look down they do nothing, but stay still.

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.

When you throw your peanut butter sandwich at the nut allergy table 25+ kill streak

Yo mama is so fat it took Nation Wide 15 years to get on her side.

Life is like a box of chocolate, it doesn’t last long if you’re fat

Yo mama feet is so fat she had to wear a sock on each toe