Best Jokes

My memes are ironic but my depression is chronic.

Why don’t orphans work as computer repair technicians?

Because they can’t find the motherboard

I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head people just thought I paid really close attention in history.

What do you call a bear without teeth? A gummy bear hahaha

If seagulls fly over the sea what flies over the bay

Bagels

Why did the fish cross the sea?

To get to the other tide!??????

It’s tricky when you’re both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.

My doctor said “you have 1year to live”

I said " you wanna bet"

Bam a gun shot

An apple a day keeps the doctor away… Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough…???

I GOT a job as a pencil sharpener I would tell you about it but you wouldn’t get the point.

Why did the zookeeper lose his job? for choking the chicken and spanking the monkey!

What would be a good job for a fat person? A four-chin teller!!

Why did the carrots laugh?

They saw Mrs. Green Pea over the fence.

A father of five puts on gas mask and a hazard suit, and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked “Dad, what are you wearing?”. The father would answer with “A costume for Halloween.”. the child asked “can i join?”. He said no, for he said it’s their last Halloween. *after that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign? A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

I had a dream that i was destroyin the world and i blew up my house for fun I woke up and couldnt find my pillow… Nor the house

It was the year 1912, I was in the SS. titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, “I’ve heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?”

Boom boom acka-lacka lacka boom Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom

Me: Hey how are you? Depression: I’m doing fine. We are just looking for a home:3 Insomnia: Mommy can we get a home? Anxiety: Insomnia wait for mommy to finish. Depression: Anyway here is my resume! Me: Okie thank you, Ok… mhmmm… WOW! Okie this is a nice resume! (Didn’t Read it…) Depression: Also I have 2 more friends that want to move in too! Me: Ok and there names? Depression: There names are: PTSD and Trauma! Me: Ok they seem fine (Doesn’t know about them) Depression: Okie here is the money (a penny:() Thank you we will call you if we need anything. Me: Ok see you soon!:3 Me now hates my life.:)

I punched an orphan and told him to go back to his parents and tell them about it… oh wait

A blonde, redhead and brunette are all sitting in a hospital’s waiting room for ultrasounds.

After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, “What’s with the giggling?”

The brunette replies, “I’m having a boy!”

The blonde and the redhead ask, “How do you know?”

“Because he was on top!” The brunette replies again.

The three go back to conversing and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.

“What’s with the giggling?” The blonde and brunette ask.

“I’m having a girl!” The redhead replies.

“Well, how do you know?” The blonde and brunette ask again.

“I was on top!”

All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.

“Oh, honey! What’s wrong?” The redhead and brunette ask.

“I’m having puppies!”

Do you like Wendy’s? Yeah Wendy’s nuts finna go in your mouth

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts

I was hit on by president kennedy, too bad i shot him down