Best Jokes

Yo mama so fat, she got baptized at SeaWorld.

What’s the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side

A german soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, “What happened?” and the soldier replies, “Hail hit her.” (say the joke aloud and it will make more sense)

There once was a little girl named Sarah with no arms and legs. knock knock Who’s there! Not Sarah.

A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”

I will always remember my grandfathers last words “ill just check if its poisonous”.

I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

My daughter said i could never make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!!!

So a daughter goes to her dad and says “daddy can I borrow the car?” He the tells her “you know what to do”. So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust and says “ugh tastes like shit” her dad then said “damn I forgot your brother took the car”

What’s the difference between my phone and my sister? I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

There was a car accident and the cops pull up to the crime seen to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said what happened here she responded by saying a car crash. They then asked but how did it happen, she responded the cars crashed into each other. They finally said but why did it happen. The lady said oh i know where your going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas peddle the car goes forward and they both pushed it so they both went forward and hit each other. One cop said never mind ma’m and they stared walking away. The blonde lady then said oh and officers my computer froze do you think i should put in the microwave or in the oven?

Why is Steven Hawkins arrested? The police used computer GPS

The first trains were often derailed. They had a bad track record.

What is the difference between an ISIS training camp and a school? Don’t ask me, i just fly the drone.

I need a hug

Hugs train

As a son I like sports and I watch sports with my mom. So one day we were looking at football. My mom ask me who makes the most money I said the quarter back. My mom told me I going to get a quarter back has my new boyfriend and it be your new step father. a week lady my mom went out I came home I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said whats going on my mom said look my new boyfriend and new step father is the high school quarter back. My mom said see mission accomplish. I said yeah job well done.

The teacher once said to some students?i was an orphan before your principle hired me.? the students said?oof that is sad? the teacher tried to ignore them and take attendance she said?is anyone missing? the students said? your parents.? the teacher got offended and later that day quit her job

The pope drives around in a glass box or as I like to call him a snipers dream

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone

What do you call a rejected guitarist who now lives on the beach?

A sea minor.

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

Why is the sand always pissed of?

Because the sand never waves back!

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get Fat.

What? were you expecting a pi joke?

Yo mama so fat that when she sits down, the earth falls out of the Solar System.