Best Jokes

I know five fat people and you’re three of them

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!:D

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

Today; Worst day ever

My annoying sibling got hit by a train and I lost my job as a conductor.

Timmy has 5 apples,

His train is 7 minutes early

Calculate the mass of the sun

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

The emo kid tried to high five the tree But the tree left him hanging

If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered suislide?

Asking for a friend.

Why do black men have nightmares?

Because the only one that had a dream got shot.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

There was a kidnapping at school…

Don?t worry, he woke up.

What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?

It is ground breaking!

Daughter: mommy what ever happened to Steven hawking? Mother: he died. Daughter: how did he die? Mother: he never got recharged.

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park. Lord: Has something happened while I was gone? Gardener: Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burrying your dog. Lord: My dog died?! Gardener: Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down. Lord: My mansion?! How?! Gardener: Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains. Lord: Why was she so distraught? Gardener: She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped. Lord: My daughter! Don’t you have any positive news for me? ! Gardener: Oh right! Your cancer test results!

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterwords he’s sitting the the doctor’s office and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer’s. ” The man replies, “well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Yo mama is so fat when she got on the scale it said one at a time please.

This boy said get get yo hairline straight I said girls don’t have a hairline how about you go to the barber shop htm title=' times worst then he did the first time.'>and let your barber do your hair 10 times worst then he did the first time.

You when you face the boss the first time::) you when dark souls boss music starts playing on the second phase::( you when you ask why do you hear boss music: ( you when the boss goes straight to his final phase after 1 hit:

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Going to church, you don’t think, you are Christian. Sleeping with ten men, You don’t think, you are straight.