Best Jokes

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I’m sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10! ? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies “Nine”

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

What is 14 inches long and starts with D

A Dookie From GREEN DAY

What did the the purple grape say to the green grape? "BREATH YOU IDIOT BREATH!" Geddit? GeeditTT?

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.” The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.” The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?” The parrot responds, “Yes.” The thief couldn’t believe it. So, he asks another question. “What is your name?” “Ismael.” the parrot replies. The man scoffed. “What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?” The parrot speaks yet again, “The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Being sad is my only happiness

I am a failure to everyone and decided to attemp a suicide, guess what? I failed

“I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry”

What did the doctor say to the chinese patient? Sum ting wong

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea his eye hurts,the doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink … when he finished the doctor told him: from now on take off the spoon.

You’re so short, when you were born, the doctor couldn’t tell if you were a boy, a girl, or a Jimmy Dean pork sausage.

I WAS GONNA CLEAN MY ROOM

BEFORE I GOT HIGH

The teacher asked the class what sound does a cow make mooo said sally good job said the teacher what sound does a sheep make baa said jack good now what sound does a pig make little johnny raised his hand really high in the sky the teacher called him he said htm title=' ur hands on ur head u black moterf@cker'>the pig says get on the ground and put ur hands on ur head u black moterf@cker

Wait isnt this sans job to make a joke?

Ur so ugly that when u came out of the hunted house u had a job offer

How come orphans know how to do laundry cause thats usually the moms job

They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:

Thou shalt not f… altar boys

A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel and when all the sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says father what is that? He says this sister is the wand of life. The nun says good, now go stick it in that camels ass and let’s get the hell outa here!

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.