Doctors jokes

So theres a orphan in a hospital and the doctor walks up and says “sorry kid but this is a family hospital”

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Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either

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A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea his eye hurts ,the doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink … when he finished the doctor told him : from now on take off the spoon.

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My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

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What’s the difference between an anal and oral thermometer? The taste.

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The doctor says “your wife is PREGNENT” the man says that he used a condom and the doctor says "ya but I didn’t

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Doctor: I’m sorry but your surgery will cost a lot of money. Buuuuuut what’s this behind your ear? Oh it’s still cancer

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Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!!

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I go into get a prostate exam, I’m nervous but the doctor says its all natural and needs to be done. So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside , feeling for abnormalities. That’s when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

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Why did the computer go to the doctor ? Because it had a virus

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9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. – That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

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I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting

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A guy is at home and he’s about to go get a physical at the Doctor’s office. When he gets there, the Doctor says, “Brian, you’re going to have to stop masturbating. ” He asked the Doc why? The Doc said, “So I can examine you!”

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A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

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When does a doctor get mad? When he runs out of patients!

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