Doctors jokes

Doctor: you’ll be at peace soon, sir. Me: what am I dying? Doctor: no your wife is.

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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

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Asian man goes to the eye doctor. Doctor says, “It looks like you have a cataract.” Asian guy says, “No Doc, I drive a Rincoln.”

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Michael Jakson gets really ill so he’s rushed to hospital. When they get there he says ‘am i in heaven?’ The doctor replies ‘Nah sir we’re just taking a quick shortcut through the children’s ward.’

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I walked in to the doctors surgery and and he said to me “pick a star sign any star sign” “I said Capricorn” He said “Nahh you got cancer”

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I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I Wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone, and it turns out he only knows Spanish so When he kept saying “Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida.” I thought he wanted water, but when I got back with the water he was asleep and now my phone was charged so I translated what he said. And it was “You unplugged my life support”, that’s when I called the doctor… Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

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My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese. As if she doesn’t have enough on her plate.

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I am still trying to figure out why paying the covid doctors a complement is so offensive. They even kicked me out and all I said was to stay positive… An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away… it can keep ANYONE away. if you throw it hard enough.

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So theres a orphan in a hospital and the doctor walks up and says “sorry kid but this is a family hospital”

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What’s the difference between an anal and oral thermometer? The taste.

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My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

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A guy is at home and he’s about to go get a physical at the Doctor’s office. When he gets there, the Doctor says, “Brian, you’re going to have to stop masturbating. ” He asked the Doc why? The Doc said, “So I can examine you!”

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My doctor said “you have 1year to live” I said " you wanna bet" Bam a gun shot

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what is the perfect job for a paedophile a physical doctor for kids

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I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting

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