Doctors jokes

Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either

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Why did the computer go to the doctor ? Because it had a virus

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What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

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“Doctor, I’m shrinking!” “Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient.”

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So theres a orphan in a hospital and the doctor walks up and says “sorry kid but this is a family hospital”

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I’m a family doctor and I wish I could help but… you’re an orphan

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Patient to doctor "will I be ok Doc?" Doctor:"I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now" Patient: "I dont do that astrology stuff" Doctor:“Nor me. My thermometer just broke”

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An apple a day keeps a doctor away… at least if you throw it hard enough Doctor: You’re as healthy as a horse! Jimmy: That’s great! Doctor: A horse with cancer.

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So this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road he starts speeding. Eventually he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, is my wife okay, she was carrying my child. The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes “APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage

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My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

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What did the doctor say to the chinese patient? Sum ting wong

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%% %%I took a banana to the doctor. It wasn’t peeling well.

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Place a man in a morgue, he’ll try to leave. Place a doctor in a morgue, he’ll go to work. Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he’ll stay happy for a week.

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A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out. “Oh no, Tom’s an idiot, what did he name my daughter?” she asked the nurse. “Denise.” “That’s not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?” “Tom Junior.”

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The doctor told me I had aids I said it’s your fault sister.

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