Doctors jokes

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out. “Oh no, Tom’s an idiot, what did he name my daughter?” she asked the nurse. “Denise.” “That’s not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?” “Tom Junior.”

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Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what’s the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you sense yesterday

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What’s the difference between an anal and oral thermometer? The taste.

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The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we’ve all kicked a pregnant woman before we where even born. the doctor says to the woman there was good and bad news. the woman says she wants the bad news first the doctor says the bad news is the baby had red hair. then he said the good news is it is dead.

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Why did the library book go to the doctor? – It needed to be checked out.

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I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

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I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

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My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

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A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterwords he’s sitting the the doctor’s office and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer’s. ” The man replies, “well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

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Person: I broke my arm in three places Doctor: well don’t go to those three places then.

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When does a doctor get mad? When he runs out of patients!

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So a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: “I’m sorry, you only have ten left.” The other man smiles nervously and asks, “T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him. “Nine.”

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Doctor: you’ll be at peace soon, sir. Me: what am I dying? Doctor: no your wife is.

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What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

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Why did the computer go to the doctor ? Because it had a virus

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