little johnny dad was drunk and told him to grow up and he sad stfu you need to be young you big ass bitch
“I wasn’t that drunk yesterday.” “Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying.”
Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not…
Man looks at his friend and says "if you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt would you tell anyone? " The friend says im a disgusted tone “No” So the man says “ok let’s go camping”
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.” I know.
So my dad was drinking so he was drunk and I was sad ?? but can you be my friend pls
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with Cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called “The non stop dancer”. It is very funny but it is made even funnier by Dudley moors, drunken and stoned laughter through the song. One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio but they are adlibbing and extremely drunk.
Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer but they only had 2 dollars each. Christopher got an idea and run away to the butcher and see if he got something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys. Are you crazy?! Said Tony to Christopher. ‘We don’t have any money!’ Take it easy now, said Christopher. "I have a plan." When they finnished drink everything up christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth. The bartender saw what they did and throw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub. After the 10th pub said Tony: I can’t do this anymore. I am drunk and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk. How do you think i feel? Said Christopher exhausted. ’ I dropped the sausage in the 3th pub!’
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar, and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks “What’s so magical about it?” the guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. the other tries, but falls of and dies. The bartender shakes his head, and says. "Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk superman.
we are drunk at the party, there was an A S S ton of drunk girls there with me…
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
How come yo mama did not come straight home from work last night? Because her daughter had sex with her boyfriend and got drunk.
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan : he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again”. His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude’s pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, “Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!” The first guy says “Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!”
A man who drinks a lot is told by his that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him. Later the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. ‘Oh no.’ He says to his friend’ if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.’ ‘Dont worry’ his friend says. ‘Put a ?20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the ?20 note for the dry cleaning.’ ‘Brilliant!’ the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. ‘No no’ the man says producing the money from his inside pocket. ‘A man threw up on me and gave me ?20 for the dry cleaning.’ ‘Whats the other ? 20 note for?’ asks his wife. ‘Ah, that’s from the man who shat in my pants…’
My Countryhumans OC, Sahara, is the daughter of France and Soviet. When people ask why, I tell them it was the gendersnapped version of my parents making me. France (my dad) was drunk and Soviet (my mom) was being horny. Then they judge me, so I judge them with a knife to the chest 47 times.
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