So one day, I took a trip to Russia, and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any body guards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days. After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project [ì]ëÿòü, and I had said yes, and the officer said god help us. So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent, and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said. I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy. He said we did, and that we were extremely drunk.
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking so he asked him “sir are you drunk?” The man responds “No sir i’m not drunk.” So the Officer asks “how high are you? ” And the man responds “no sir, its high how are you.”
In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive. She used to occupy a street next to a theater; not because it meant hefty handouts, but because it was a place where no other beggars or police bothered her; every night, a new crowd came to see a show, and the cute young girl found just enough mercy to survive. In fact, she did so well, that she decided to afford herself a small piece of cake every tuesday - just to keep her spirits up. One tuesday, she could not get a break. Looked like she will go without cake this week. Then, a strange looking gentleman stopped near her. He soon heard her story, and decided to share his fortune. Gentleman: I work as a magician in the touring show - today we performed here. Some nights, our guests want to gamble with us afterwards, and I make sure to bring home more than I came with. I try to keep it moderate - but today, this obnoxious drunk was loaded, so I emptied his pockets. Here, take this precious coin.
What the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish funeral, one less drunk.
one day jack and jill went up a hill jack got jill drunk and horny then took her to a hotel becus jack wanted to suck and lick her candy stick
A man enters a bar with some friends, and they all sit down to a drink. After not too long, a man with glasses comes through the front door saying “Anyone who wants to fly off the third story balcony, come upstairs with me!” When no one listens, he shrugs, and everyone watches him go up the stairs. Ten seconds later, he comes back in through the door, again saying “Anyone who wants to fly off the third story balcony, come upstairs with me!” Everyone is amazed, and a few people leave to go fly with him. He keeps coming back into the bar, bringing more and more patrons to join him. The man at the bar is about to join in when the bartender finally sighs. "For the last time Superman, get out of my bar, you’re drunk and the only person here that can fly! " The man with glasses frowns. “Where did all the others go, then?”
2 whales went to a bar. The first whale said, "oooooooohhhhhh. The second whale said, “Greg I think your drunk, let’s go home.”
During the election campaign of 2012 we heard about Obama but we fought they said Osama. So I told my friend grab his gun and lets have some fun. So during one of Obama’s campaign we both shot him to death, which lasted a while. Then my friend said “lets go get piz drunk at Mavericks bar”. Then on TV they talked about Obama death and everybody but 2 guys cheered. Then guess what, we loaded our guns and lit those 2 guys up like we did to Obama.
My mom trying to get me to do dishes Mom: I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes. Me: Why did you? Mom: I was very drunk… Explains a lot…
My freind Andrew once told me that “weird is high and drunk at the same time”
Superman was bored and wanted to go out, he called all his super friends but they were all busy. He even calls Louis but it’s her time of the month. He flies to the liquor store and buy some beer and gets drunk. As has flying he sees wonder woman naked on top of the roof, he starts thinking "I will fly down…and have sex with her sooooo fast “BURP” that she WON’T know what happen. "HICKUP" He flies to her faster than a speed of light BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG and flies away with a smile he passes out and crashed into a wall. Wonder woman jumps up and screams "WHAT WAS THAT… the invisible man appears holding his butt and he gets off on wonder woman and says ‘I dont know but my butt hurts real bad’.
My Countryhumans OC, Sahara, is the daughter of France and Soviet. When people ask why, I tell them it was the gendersnapped version of my parents making me. France (my dad) was drunk and Soviet (my mom) was being horny. Then they judge me, so I judge them with a knife to the chest 47 times.
For steven hawking why is being drunk and having his power shutout the same He blacks out
3 Drunk men get in a taxi, the driver knew they were drunk so he started the car and turned it off. the first man gave him the money, the second man thanked him but the third man slapped the driver, the driver surprised that he noticed so he askes why and the third man replies with ? why did you drive so fast.?
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!
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