I told my friend yesterday he’s literally my dad. He didn’t show up for the rest of the year.
How did the Hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her sons dick tasted funny.
I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head people just thought I paid really close attention in history.
What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister? You better not Leia finger on her!
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew tumed up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5.year.old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and ll spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. "mey chatted with her, let her slt with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little lobs to do here and there to make her feel Important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a poy envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $1 0 "pay ’ to the bank the next day to start a savings account When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally Impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, ‘l worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.’ ‘Oh, my goodness gracious,’ said the teller, ‘and will you be working on the house again this week, too?’ The little girl replied, "l will, it those assholes at Lowe’s ever deliver the tucking sheet rock ’
When I become a parent I’m gonna regergetate my food to feed my children. It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.
my mom said to take out the trash bags so i did and the next day my mom asked “where are your sisters?” i said “in line to get crushed”
My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.
How do you know your sister is on her period? Your dad’s c–k tastes like s–t!
Daughter: Dad Dad: Yes honey Daughter: Im Lesbian Dad: Ok Daughter 2: Dad Dad: Yes? Daughter 2: Im lesbian too Dad: GOD does anyone like boys around here Son: I do…
My Daughter is Super Smart! She pours her own drinks on the floor
When you’re f@cking your boss’s daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.
Daughter: So, I got my period. Mom: That’s wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying! Daughter: That’s nice, Mum, but isn’t the whole point of getting your period dying? Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to the another day. Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically) Mom: You’re welcome, honey. (Clueless. Obviously.)
There once was a brother and a sister so one night it’s storming really bad and the sister goes into the brothers room and asks " can I stay with you tonight because I’m scared" the brother replies with " yea sure but just don’t tell Mom" so the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boys penis and asks “what’s that?” And the boy replies with “that’s my pet snake” and the girl asks “can I pet it?” And the boy says “sure just don’t tell Mom” and the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks “what happened” and the girl said “I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit it’s head off” My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
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