Family jokes

Orphan boy:Your dad is probably dissapointed of you i mean look at you Me: well at least my parents kept me wheres yours

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So Johnny was in kindergarten and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC’s so he goes home and ask his mom who’s cooking “Whats the first letter of the ABC’s?” he ask and his mom responds with “SHUT UP… I’M COOKING!” so then he walks to sister who’s signing in the shower and asks her “Whats the 2nd letter of the ABC’s?” she responds with “I’m ready

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What did the drummer call his 2 twin daughters? Anna 1 Anna 2

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My daughter said i could never make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!!!

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What’s the best part about plowing your cousin? -It makes your sister jealous

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i cought my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad. Q:What did the elephant say to the naked man? A:How do you breathe through that little thing?

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Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender? A: Nothing! He was hung over. My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry So I threw a coconut at her

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What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!

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Boy: why is my sister named Rose Dad: someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head Boy: okay Dad Dad: No problem Brick

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Son: Dad, why did name my sister Paris? Dad: Because she was made there. Son: Thanks, Dad. Dad: You’re welcome, Backseat.

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Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".

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I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. – I didn’t want to interrupt her. A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3… The boy said, “Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she’s in Grade 4”. The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some

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Son: Dad am I adopted? Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center do you really think I would pick u?

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This is a poem my younger sister when she was three, recited to a crowd and I will never forget it. It is very short though. Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what’s right, with all your might. 

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I would name my daughter awesome so I can tell people that I’m f@cking awesome.

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