I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked “What are you doing?” She replied, “Making a Creampie.”
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park. Lord: Has something happened while I was gone? Gardener: Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burrying your dog. Lord: My dog died?! Gardener: Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down. Lord: My mansion?! How?! Gardener: Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains. Lord: Why was she so distraught? Gardener: She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped. Lord: My daughter! Don’t you have any positive news for me? ! Gardener: Oh right! Your cancer test results!
I was watching my daughter play at the park, a woman came up to me and asked which one was mine, I said I was still choosing.
So Johnny was in kindergarten and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC’s so he goes home and ask his mom who’s cooking “Whats the first letter of the ABC’s?” he ask and his mom responds with “SHUT UP… I’M COOKING!” so then he walks to sister who’s signing in the shower and asks her “Whats the 2nd letter of the ABC’s?” she responds with “I’m ready
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a “two for one special.”
Why can’t orphans go to daughter and dad dance night they don’t have a dad to go with.
my sister reminds me of 911 one moan of OMG got everyone’s attention.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
So there’s a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says “Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back,”. The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother’s back breaking. The little girl’s father looks in terror, she then says “step on a line and you break your father’s spine,”. The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out “OW MY SPINE, ”. The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
Why hasn’t my dad come back? No seriously I’m not joking
jack and jill went up the hill to do it in the water. jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter
My sister argued with me that you can’t make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta
why do orphans eat cereal with water? because their dad never came home with the milk
Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".
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