Son : "Dad, Are we pyromaniacs ?" Dad : "Yes, we arson
Me and my friend went to the park, after a while we grabbed our little princess and said “it’s time to go sweetie” but before we could go someone said “stop them they have my daughter!”
I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head people just thought I paid really close attention in history.
today my idiot brother screamed"ahhhhh im dead!’ but it wasn’t really, so i d3cded to make it a reality until my sister came… AND HELPED ME! - for once but then two minutes later my mom showed up, we k!lled him right infront of her and she screamed! "DONUTS AND PIZZA FOR YPU AND MORE IF YOU GO TO MRS ROBERTS HOUSE AND SAY HI AND BYE TO DADDY!!! and she hands us both a sharp tool and i say what about tommy!!! arn’t u MAD!!! then she replied who’s THAT??? COZ HE AINT MINE HIS NAME IS TOMMY, TOMMY ROBERTS. so then me and my sister visit mrs ROBERTS AND SHE SAID OH THIS ISN’T ANYTHING IMPORTANT GO HOME! so then my sister nd i say hi! and do a countdount aftr that my nike white jumper had turned red! IT WAS A MUCH BETTER COLOUR , MUM SEEMED TO APROVE AS WELL!?????? but then the police question us where daddy was so then mom said… oh he’s moved on! so then the police officer was like ahem ma’m where! SO THEN I BELLOWED… UP - UR -A##. And we got let off the hook, then we moved oh and we k!lled the cop 2 and oh did i meantion we HAD a maid, and a landlord and a cat but they were all 2 annoying so we got rid of them and now our new backyard is very smellyyy and i dont think there is enoff space to put muummy anymore so now i dont think sissy will fit either? ? i will ask my neibour nessy she’ll obviously say YES or ill…
What do u call a grown up with ur sister, ur best friend
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? – “Are you having a crisis?”
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct
dark humor is like a dad not everyone gets it
Yo sis come here sis: what. Me: oh sorry you doing school sis: yup me can i go sis:no way you’re going to hug me me: i love you
A cat gets its tail run over, and it’s mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!” The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!” Guess who dies next.
A son walks up to his dad and says "Dad! I just had sex for the first time." The dad goes "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it? “ The son says "I cant sit right now, my butt is very sore.”
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says “hey dad! Whatcha doin?” His father says “I’m filling your moms tank” Johnny says, “oh yeah well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because th milk man filled her up this morning.”
My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She’s got my sister’s eyes.
jack and jill went down to hell to fetch ur mothers bladder her bladder broke u two are soaked and now u have a daughter cuz in that bladder was me
Kid:what is between moms legs? Dad:paridise. Kid whats between you legs? Dad:the key to paridise. Kid:well uou better change the lock the neighbor has the key to.
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