Hell jokes

Ahem… if somebody you dont like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

Answer the phone with this

Hello thank you for choosing mamas pizzeria/ abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce how may i help you?

Or

Hello this is davids orphanage you make them we take them how may i help you?

Some people reactions are priceless and then the wonder about you mental health

I tried to eat ass once the donkeys got one hell of a kick!

Kidnapping is just surprise adoption, congrats! You are now all my children! Just hop into the portal that leads to the Lust ring in hell-

A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget and I am now traumatized to hell, the next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend.:)

Random person: Imma smack you so hard your skin pigment changes!

Me: Who the hell do you think you are? Michael Jackson’s dad?

I have a friend who dont have a dad he says: ur useless go to hell me: wait why do u want me to join ur dad

This guy is boiling water the girl walks in and says “What are you doing” the guy says “I’m making Holy Water” She said “How?” He said “I’m boiling the hell out of it”

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons. American: I won’t ever see my dog again! Italian: I won’t ever make pizzas again! German: Hey, granddad, how have you been?

Kobe never missed a shot but he missed the helipad

I’m going to hell!!!

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, “Can I touch it?”. The little boy looks back at her and says, “Hell no, you already broke yours off!”.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

My friend:What are you doing Me:I?m making holy water My friend:How? Me:I?m boiling the hell out of it.

Bick: Jesus isn’t real. Ron: Yes he is. Bick: Prove it, bitch. Ron: Cussing is a in. Open the curtains. Bick: Wh- Ron: JUST DO IT, DAMMIT.

The sunlight shone through the window, landing on Ron and Bick. Both of them died and went to hell.

Ron: f@ck you, Jesus. Bick: Told you Jesus was real. Satan: Get to work, slaves.

Moral of the story: Stay off the marijuana.

Give a man a potato, he is full for a day Give a man a poisoned potato, hell be full for the rest of his life.

NINA YOU BETTER RUN TO HELL YOUR GOING THERE ANYWAY!!! YOU DONT BE MEAN TO ALEX!!! HE IS SWEET KIND LOVING AND PROTECTIVE!!!

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they’re happy. They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.

“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”

Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!”

They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”