When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself… #victoryroyale
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Why did Joey drop his ice cream? He was hit by a truck. (Don’t worry, the truck was fine.)
A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar’s patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligators mouth and starts whacking it with the stick. After he’s done and gets his drink he asks if anyone else would like a go. A lady gets up and says yes she would like a go, asks that he doesn’t hit her with the stick.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam. What did the other fish say to that fish when he hit the wall? Dumb Bass.
I’m not saying I hate you. But if you got hit by a bus I’d be driving that bus.
The weirdest thing happend to me today i was driving 50mph and hit a speedbump aand it screamed
titanic - “yo look at that sexy babe of an iceberg, lets hit her” (Set up joke for the actual joke) So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog. (Actual joke) When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.
What’s the definition of “perfect pitch?” Throwing a viola into the dumpster without hitting the rim.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
A baby skunk’s mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn’t know what he is. So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks ‘What are you?’, the baby bunny replies ‘Well I’m a baby bunny. What are you?’ the baby skunk says "Well I don’t know am I a baby bunny too?" the baby bunny says ‘No you’re not a baby bunny.’ so the baby skunk asks "Well what am I then?" the baby bunny replies ‘Well you’re not exactly blank and you’re not exactly white so you must be Mexican.’
When an emo kid jumps out of a tree what happens when he hits the ground? Nothin much he just flops over an hour later when they untie the rope
What’s black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
RUS | ENG
