The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try. The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It’s a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. “Impressive,” said the manager.
The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. “It’s a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get this job, I’ll tell who the father is!”
How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.
I saw a child crying yesterday so I asked him where his parents were. Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.
What did they call Susan B. Anthony when she was sleeping on the job?
Snoozin’ B. Anthony!
A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery
Boss: “we have to let you go.”
Surgeon: “I protest innocence.”
Boss: “how?”
Surgeon: “I thought to do your job and saving people’s lives were two different things. ” Boss: “get out”
Boss: “get out”
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be Wanted.
Why are orphans bad at poker? They don’t know what a full house is.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion? Me time.
Did you know? The letter ‘f’ in orphan stands for family.
What is an orphan’s least favorite song? We are Family.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite tv show? Family Guy.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite movie? Meet the Parents.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite type of music? House.
Next: Inappropriate Jokes
What’s an orphan’s least favorite store? Home Depot.
What’s an orphan’s favorite band? Foster the People.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
Where do orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms
What beer do orphans drink? Foster’s.
Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What do you call a fish with no parents? An orfin
Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get. Me: Are you an orphan? Orphan: Yes, what gave me away? Me: Your parents.
Me: Are you an orphan? Orphan: Yes, what gave me away? Me: Your parents.
A girl walked into a job interview. The interviewer said “you are what we are looking for, but i need to test your skills. ” he hands her a pen He said “sell me this pen” She puts in between her boobs.
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horse and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. she picks it up "Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby." Sally says, “No, shes upstairs with Uncle john” “Uncle john? i don’t know an Uncle John.” “no, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy” “no i’m sure there’s no one named Uncle John in our family.” “Okay, but why did you call?” Says Sally. “Ummm no reason, just tell mommy that daddy’s pulling into the driveway right now.” “Okay daddy!”
Long pause
"Okay daddy! I did it!’ “Great job Sally! What did she says?”
“Mommy said OH FU… and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. shes now resting it looks like… then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter…”
Then dad replies “Swimming pool? we dont have a…is this 468-1843?”
You know a parana can devour a small child in 30 seconds Any way I lost my job at the aquarium today
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say,?Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!? After that he joined the Army and learned to say,?Yes sir!? After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say,?Forks and knives, forks and knives!? After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words,?Goody-goody gumdrops!? A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows: Policeman: Who killed the man? Foreign man: Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! Policeman: Did you kill the man? Foreign man: Yes sir! Policeman: What did you use to kill him: Foreign man: Forks and knives, forks and knives! Policeman: You?re under arrest. Foreign man: Goody-goody gumdrops!
A dad told his son never to hit girls so the sun repeid i promis. When the sun got older he was doing the dirty with "a girl " and the girl sais spank me daddy… and the sons repsonds my dad said never to hit a girl. and the “girl” takes of the wig and its his dad and the dad said good job son!.. Son:… um
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain…
Me: So… You’re new?
Depression: (I don’t know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm!
Me: Well what are your skills?
Depression: Oh, taking control and leading… You know…
Me: What are you trying out for?
Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts.
Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job…
Me: How did you know about us?
Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we’re friends!
Me: Interesting… (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it’s problemos)
Me: Well I think you’re signed up! I’ll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS:) AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED:]
Depression: tHaNKS:)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED:]
My grief counselor died the other day
He was so good at his job, i don’t even care.
Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
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