Thankfully I’m still alive because I fail at everything in life.
There’s a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, “People need me for my medical skills.” grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, “People need me for my intelligence.” grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, “I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute.” The nerd says, “Don’t worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack.”
My mom trying to get me to do dishes Mom: I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes. Me: Why did you? Mom: I was very drunk… Explains a lot…
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
I was talking to a beaver about my life. I dont think he really gave a dam about it at all.
I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better… But now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
What’s My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa? His life insurance…
Remember kids, when you’re angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they’ll really be living the hard knock life.
Website: Submit a joke :-) Me: My life.
The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.
little johnny was siting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life and ask him " little johnny how do you want your wife to be like" and he answered " like the moon" and the teacher said " that’s such a beautiful answer because it calm and peaceful " and little htm title=' appears at night and disappears in the morning'>johnny said " no because it appears at night and disappears in the morning"
What’s the difference between a knife and my life? A knife has a point.
whats the difference between a maze and a depressed life? one of them you can find a way out of
How do you know when an orphan is lying. When they say I swear on my mother’s life
The twin towers was basically angry birds but in real life
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