Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender? A: Nothing! He was hung over. My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry So I threw a coconut at her
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… It was tense.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are. ” He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
Why doesn’t the Sun go to college? – Because it has a million degrees.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win. No pun in ten did
I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday
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