Самое популярное 26 April

What’s the difference between a coat hangerband an emo? Nothing that both hang

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support.

When I was a little boy I had this dream I was eating a giant marshmallow

When I woke I was being sexually abused

I encountered a milf at a bar last night although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

Then, she asked me flirtatiously

“have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?”

I said, “Nope, not yet”.

She drank a little more, and said, “well, darling, tonight is your lucky night.”

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys

Opens her door

Turn on the light

And she yells towards upstairs

"Mom, are you still awake?”

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.

Why can’t depressed people leave the maze?

Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.

Things you never want to do in jail

Never piss off an inmate

Don’t start fights with the cops

Don’t drop the soap

Don’t run away from the cops

My bf: knock knock me:whos there my bf:ice cream me:ice cream who my bf: ice cream if you don’t let me see that smoking hot body

I told her roses are red violets are blue god made me pretty what the hell happened to you!! MF???

Me: Do you like smash? Friend: Smash Rolls? Me: No, Smash DEEZ NUTS! Friend: AHHHHH (*moans)

A father of five puts on gas mask and a hazard suit, and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked “Dad, what are you wearing?”. The father would answer with “A costume for Halloween.”. the child asked “can i join?”. He said no, for he said it’s their last Halloween. *after that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.

“Sanderson, fire a warning shot.”

“Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher.”

“Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger.”

Why do poor people eat insects? Because they’re locust!

One man was very depressed cause he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grief. Suddenly with the head rise up he sees Santa Claus walking by. — Santa? he asks. ‘Why are you early, it is not even christmas?’

Ho, ho. Don’t worry about me. Lets worry about you instead’ says Santa. What is the problem my friend?’

I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house." Santa: I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life and i’ll give it to you-" Man: My first wish is i want my house back. Santa: Done! Man: My second wish is i want 1 million amount of cash in my bank account. Santa: Done! Man: My third wish is i also want my job back! Santa: Done, but before i actually give you those wishes, I haft to hump you. Man: Okey. Lets do it. So the Santa claus takes of his pants to hump the man. After they are done humping the santa ask the man: -How old are you? Man: I am 35 years old. Santa: And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!:D

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I’ve ever made.

Then I realize “My daughter isn’t THAT bad…”

I cant wait to see Uranus??

Flag of Congo — Kinshasa @osowxvyy I was in Portugal enjoying my lunch when I saw a man choking! i wanted to save him but a local stopped me. “that’s Penandes, he always chokes when it matters most and ghosts in big games.” True enough, Penandes’ Ghost emerged from his body! Poor Penandes, may he get well soon!

What’s the difference between Steven Hawking and the Statue of Liberty, the statue stands for something

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar’s patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligators mouth and starts whacking it with the stick. After he’s done and gets his drink he asks if anyone else would like a go.

A lady gets up and says yes she would like a go, asks that he doesn’t hit her with the stick.