Самое популярное 19 August

A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast. When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the toast god punch line, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man. The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles

My sister told me she like Medusa. I said h. My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy facial expression and when the look down they do nothing, but stay still.

Why did the carrots laugh?

They saw Mrs. Green Pea over the fence.

What did the fork say to the cake when he said i hope u get eaten

Fork off

I am still trying to figure out why paying the covid doctors a complement is so offensive. They even kicked me out and all I said was to stay positive…

An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away… it can keep ANYONE away.

If you throw it hard enough.

I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.

It was soda-pressing.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce “unionized”.

Why don’t cows have any money?

Because farmers milk them dry.

The other day a man with some cheese and milk attacked me …how dairy

What game did Al-Qaeda Play With The Twin Towers On September 11th 2001? Jenga.

You have to do this and my sister said well I don’t care and I said well you care enough to respond back oh my gosh.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

Little Johnny said he wanted a coffee. SO his mom said he can have one. He got an esspresso not knowing depresso came with it.

I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday

To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I’m still here

Girlfriend: you remind me of a cellphone

Ex Boyfriend: how and why?

Girlfriend: Because your about to die

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Depression medicine and therapy

GO AWAY!

Me at the Oscars when i see Jada Pinkett Smith, me, I said: “G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I Jada 2, can’t wait to see it”

So will smith is laughing and then suddenly, Suddenly Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigcka Smith goes: “KEEP MY WIFE’S NAME OUT OF YOUR f@ckING MOUTH! ” Me: “Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers”

I had an uncle who was a conductor. He wasn’t a symphony conductor, nor was he a street car conductor, nor was he a train conductor. He was struck by lightning.

Johnny is very attached to his parents, he asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks "whats that?"The mother replies "that’s my garage" he looks up and asks what are those? The mother responds “those are my headlights.” He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down “daddy whats that?” The dad replies “that’s my car.” He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tell his mother and she says “you can lay with me.” He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed he gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving he looks under the covers to investigate and see’s them going at it he then yells “mommy turn on you’re headlights daddy’s parking his car in you’re garage!” THUD

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting mom! you and dad need to stop!

Whats the difference between McDonald’s and a priest

Nothing… they both stick their meat in ten year old buns