Самое популярное 1 September

“I work with animals” the man said to his date. his date said “I love a man who works with animals what job is it for the animal” “I am a butcher” said the man

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

What do Chinese parents hate the most?

A new born daughter…

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I’m sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10! ? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies “Nine”

What’s a pedophile’s favorite part of a hockey game? Before the first period starts.

Why don’t emos live alone?they like to hang with their freinds.

I hated church growing up as a child, it was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!

A guy is at home and he’s about to go get a physical at the Doctor’s office. When he gets there, the Doctor says, “Brian, you’re going to have to stop masturbating. ” He asked the Doc why? The Doc said, “So I can examine you!”

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? – A waist of time.

Fun fact! You can hold your breath till the rest of your life

One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate’ "

Guy starts chatting to pretty woman at a party Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name. “Carmen,” she replied. That’s a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

“Who named you, your mother?”

"No, I named myself, she answered.

“Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”

“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said looking directly into his eyes. “So what’s your name?” she asked.

‘BJ Titsngolf’

Me and my friend got in to a fight I look straight forward and said look me in my eyes

What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? – A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I see a poor guy. Mini me be like- mama can I giwve mwy spare money to him.?? and my mum sais yes so I give my money and home feeling SO NICE while MY MOM knows he’s going to spend it on DRUGS we go back tomorrow and then after we go to the same place and then I see him with drugs. Me- what I think fck what I do??.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

A bear and a rabbit are at a bar getting high smoking weed talking about nothing but lies and straight up garbage. and then the bear starts to drink too much damn liquor gets drunk and ask the rabbit can i have one more scotch pretty please? And the rabbit says hell to the naw I’m not about to carry your drunk ass home with me and smell your breath.

Why does a leaf fall faster thanan emo kid because the emo hang itself

Once my sister was a sister now shes a blister

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.”