Самое популярное 7 July

So i saw two homeless people on the road fight i said stop fighting and go home i gess it was a little insensitive

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, “Honey put down the knife we were only talking about getting a divorce.”

Yo mama so fat that when i banged her in the jacuzzi there was a level 8 tsunami

I hated church growing up as a child, it was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!

I’ve sadly received a rejection letter from NASA. Strangely, it says there’s no space on their training programme.

[god creating sharks] god: ok give them 3 rows of teeth. Angel: seems excessive but ok. God: and make them mean as hell. Angel: wtf y. God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO. Angel:… god: and make one of the types have a hammer for a head angel: why do I still work for you? God: because I’m the only employer as of right now.

I had a dream that i was destroyin the world and i blew up my house for fun I woke up and couldnt find my pillow… Nor the house

What’s the difference between Steven Hawking and the Statue of Liberty, the statue stands for something

My wife said if I don’t get of the computer shes gonna slam my head in to the keyboard but I think I’ll ajlkfsdhnvkwr;anhf

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad. Liam: I like you both. Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go Liam: I will go to paris. Mother: That’s means you like dad more Liam: No, its because i like paris Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go. Liam: I will go to America. Mother: Why Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.

I was crying at school telling my friends my grandpa died, And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were “Are you still holding the ladder?”

Life is like giving head…it always sucks

I used to have a phobia of pogo-sticks. Those things always made me jump.

What do you call Steven Hawkins on fire

Hot wheels

My brother couldn’t wait for fall, so I tripped him.

%%Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) We’ve known each other for so long Your heart’s been aching, but You’re too shy to say it Inside, we both know what’s been going on We know the game and we’re gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. mucho_mango: just woke up from my dream what was that.

Ow! you hit the spot!

What do you call a green boner the Grintch

A man who drinks a lot is told by his that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him. Later the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. ‘Oh no.’ He says to his friend’ if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.’ ‘Dont worry’ his friend says. ‘Put a?20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the?20 note for the dry cleaning.’ ‘Brilliant!’ the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. ‘No no’ the man says producing the money from his inside pocket. ‘A man threw up on me and gave me?20 for the dry cleaning.’ ‘Whats the other? 20 note for?’ asks his wife. ‘Ah, that’s from the man who shat in my pants…’

Girl: How do you feel about abortion? Dad: Ask your sister Girl: I don’t have a …