Самое популярное 30 July

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said “how sick?”. I said “well I’m in bed with my 12 year old sister”.

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Why did the orphan wait in line? To see their parents next

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? nothing, they just WAVED. can you SEA what i did there? im SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? dont be a BEACH.

How do we know Stephen is dying in hell

There’s a stairway to heaven.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning

I got a job at a library once, i got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.

Yo mama so fat, she broke the stairs to heaven

How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She’s got my sister’s eyes.

An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.

A lady walked into a bar and ordered their special drink, the bartender then gave her a brown glass full of milk, the lady complained about this but then the bartender said, “just shut up and swallow”

“I work with animals” the man said to his date. his date said “I love a man who works with animals what job is it for the animal” “I am a butcher” said the man

What’s tree plus tree? Sticks! (Three plus three = six)

What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?

They both look good hanging from a tree

Do one day i was sitting on my couch watching youtube when i heard a knock on the door. i opened the door and to my surprise it was my dad. i haven’t seen him in 16 years, so i let him in. i noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge. then he walked towards me and said “Oh no! i forgot the cereal! ” then he walked out the door and drove away. i never saw him again

One day the teacher asks a boy why can’t fish talk underwater. The Kid says " If I put your head underwater will you be able to talk.

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

Why don’t midgets fight? They walk away to be the bigger man

Why did the fish cross the sea?

To get to the other tide!??????