Самое популярное 8 June

They say people are 75% water But I’m 100% useless

I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.

It was soda-pressing.

Why do bees have sticky hair

They always use honeycombs

What do you call terrible milk?

Udder Bullshit

What do you call a rejected guitarist who now lives on the beach?

A sea minor.

My Aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said “If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or its useless, throw it away.” the next time my Aunt visited she said “Where is you daughter? ” my Mom said “I took your advice”

What’s the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

You don’t usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days. But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: “Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!”

I just got a job at the prison library. It has its prose and cons.

I lost at Kahoot so I had to ka-shoot

Have you heard of the new sequel to “the exorcist”?

A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son

Yo mama’s so poor I knocked on her front door of her house and realised I was already outside her backyard!

I cant wait to see Uranus??

Boys: “Hey, can billy come out and play baseball?” Mom: “That’s not funny, you know billy doesn’t have any arms and legs” Boys: “I know, we need a third base”

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again”. His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude’s pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, “Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!” The first guy says “Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!”

So there I was f@cking my sister and she’s shouts “god you f@ck like dad” I then said “damn that’s what mom said”

What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he wrist in peach.

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

I was thinking of starting up a stair company, but there was too many steps to it.

Why do orphans eat cerial with water? Because their daddy still hasn’t come home with the milk

I was born and raised in Newcastle. My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium