Самое популярное 16 September

The other day a squirrel asked me for a job, I asked him what jobs did you have previously. Calmly he answered," I am a pilot, I can pick it up from here and pile it over there, I also can fly a sign!!!" " To bad, this is a nut cannery, and we’re 100% automated, we don’t need anyone at this time, sorry." " No worries, I’m totally nuts anyway, guess I’ll fly a sign across town, don’t have bus fare!!!"

If a computer was an apartment, the only passage would be the windows. It would have had doors but why was it ever spelt DOS

My brother couldn’t wait for fall, so I tripped him.

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew tumed up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5.year.old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and ll spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. "mey chatted with her, let her slt with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little lobs to do here and there to make her feel Important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a poy envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $1 0 "pay ’ to the bank the next day to start a savings account When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally Impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, ‘l worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.’ ‘Oh, my goodness gracious,’ said the teller, ‘and will you be working on the house again this week, too?’ The little girl replied, "l will, it those assholes at Lowe’s ever deliver the tucking sheet rock ’

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I’m still working on it

My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She’s got my sister’s eyes.

I’ll never forget my sister’s last word. “Is it edible?”

Q: what’s stronger than family?

A: whatever tree Paul walker hit

(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today? (Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka. (Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well I quit! (Kid) Quit What? (Bus Driver) Living. (Kid) But it was a joke! (Bus Driver) Doesn’t matter. I will die but you will still be alive. (Kid) Ok (Bus Driver) That was a joke too!

What do you call a roach in milk? Aroach con leche??

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.

When I was a little boy I had this dream I was eating a giant marshmallow

When I woke I was being sexually abused

Name Something you practiced kissing on as a kid.

Sister SWEET HOME ALABAMA

What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs? … A boner…

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight not your phone number.”

I have no friends but then i realize my true friends are anxiety and depression

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

My sister told me she like Medusa. I said h. My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy facial expression and when the look down they do nothing, but stay still.

What’s green then red all over?

A frog in a blender!:)

The last thing i told my ex after we broke up was “at least we’re still cousins”??