Самое популярное 8 September

As a son I like sports and I watch sports with my mom. So one day we were looking at football. My mom ask me who makes the most money I said the quarter back. My mom told me I going to get a quarter back has my new boyfriend and it be your new step father. a week lady my mom went out I came home I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said whats going on my mom said look my new boyfriend and new step father is the high school quarter back. My mom said see mission accomplish. I said yeah job well done.

Girls are like blackjack you shoot for 21 but I keep hitting 14

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support.

What’s Yellow and Can’t Swim?

A school bus full of kids drowning

Why do emos like circles because they can hang out with them

Whats the hardest part when making skimmed milk? throwing the cow across the lake

I tried to high five a tree it left me hanging

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better so i sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wifes broken leg.

What’s red green and smells like shit

…red and green shit

A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast. When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the toast god punch line, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man. The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles

Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening

Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs

Your so poor not even dollar tree has your prices

Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? – The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

What’s a depressed person’s least favorite type of cereal???

LIFE

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

My bf: knock knock me:whos there my bf:ice cream me:ice cream who my bf: ice cream if you don’t let me see that smoking hot body

How do you get a deppressed girl to suck your dick

Poor bleach on it

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs? – One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

I was hit on by president kennedy, too bad i shot him down

A man who drinks a lot is told by his that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him. Later the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. ‘Oh no.’ He says to his friend’ if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.’ ‘Dont worry’ his friend says. ‘Put a?20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the?20 note for the dry cleaning.’ ‘Brilliant!’ the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. ‘No no’ the man says producing the money from his inside pocket. ‘A man threw up on me and gave me?20 for the dry cleaning.’ ‘Whats the other? 20 note for?’ asks his wife. ‘Ah, that’s from the man who shat in my pants…’

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.