A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation the man yelled. FREE DISHWASHER!
My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly. So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael, Mark was the owner of a old boat. It so happened that Michael’s wife died the same day that Mark’s boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I’m sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible. "Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, “Heck no. In fact, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle! ” The old lady fainted. ????????????
my boyfriend accused me of cheating. i told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.
"I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,"the woman told her dentist. He replied, “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.”
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back
I keep looking for my girlfriends killer but no one wants to do it.
There are two siblings. A little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home. So they get to the bigger brothers house, and walk in his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.” The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, " can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.
Jon said:What do you call a pregnant woman? Mike said: I don’t know what? Jon said: kinder surprise
A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick, but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.
my girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex and I said what’s that, she said I f@ck her ass, I said oh my uncle calls that shhhhh
I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn’t giving birth the bloody car would not start .
If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it? The man, because he shouldn’t be driving in the kitchen.
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