Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months she woke. She asked the doctor “hows the baby?” “You had twins” the doctor replied. “Your brother named them” the woman said *oh no not my brother what did he call them?" “He called the girl Denise” “what about the boy” the woman asked the doctor said “denephew”
Husband: Hay honey words can’t describe how beautiful you are. Wife: aww thanks Husband:But numbers can 0 out of 10
3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot them, he walked out in shame and said he couldn’t do it. The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn’t pull the trigger so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, “The gun wasn’t loaded, I had to strangle the bitch.”
I took my girlfriend out the other day… Man do I love being a sniper.
Only one of Kenny’s girlfriends has ever said he’s good in bed. But she has to. She’s his mom.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. – If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to. He says to the first one "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny" He says to the second one "You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy" Then the third one whispers to her son “Come on Dick, lets go.”
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!
If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it? The man, because he shouldn’t be driving in the kitchen.
My girlfriends last words I can’t wait to become a mom
School Bully: How’s your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don’t have any! Me: How’s your parents? Oh wait, you don’t have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage
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