Your at your girlfriends house for a family dinner. Your GF says, " Daddy please pass me the salt." when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation the man yelled. FREE DISHWASHER!
Two friends who’ve been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday. The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, “If she doesn’t like the card I got her, then she can go f@ck herself!”
I took my girlfriend out the other day… Man do I love being a sniper.
An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee, A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, “Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in”.
Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. Tomato means harder and cheese means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming tomato tomato tomato cheese cheese cheese, then my little brother said can y’all stop making sandwiches your getting mayonnaise all over my bed.
In my mothers generation, they grew up with wonder woman. In ours, we have to wonder if she’s a woman.
Little Johnny walked on into to his house.He heard a banging sound from up above and decied to investigate.He opened the door to his parents room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.
Why couldn’t the lizard get a girlfriend? Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
Have u ever noticed When a woman is pregnant aII her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “weII done”
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
I was watching my daughter play at the park, a woman came up to me and asked which one was mine, I said I was still choosing.
The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”
What’s the difference between a nun and a woman in a bath tub? One’s got hope in her soul, the others got soap in her hole.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a seven year old.
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