I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “what do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed. Most women can’t pull off sarcasm
My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly. So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
my girl is so cute when she sleeps I watch her all the time……………….tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you? Take her wheel chair, she’ll come crawling back.
Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he’s too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. – But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. not everyone gets it
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to. He says to the first one "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny" He says to the second one "You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy" Then the third one whispers to her son “Come on Dick, lets go.”
Tell someone to look in their shirt and spell attic hehe
My girlfriend got ran over by a bus I lost my job as a bus driver.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
My wife thinks i’m immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most? The “cold and passed out” kind.
I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn’t giving birth the bloody car would not start .
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