what is the diffrence between a snow woman and a snowman? Snowballs
Roast: What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One is hairy and smells like fish and the other is a walrus. Your welcome
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. – I’m doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes) What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead. 4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
A woman comes to the doctors an says ‘doctor, I think I have cancer’ the doctor checks it out ‘it’s all in your head’ the doctor says ‘phew’ said the woman, ‘a bunch of tumors, all in your head’
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
In my mothers generation, they grew up with wonder woman. In ours, we have to wonder if she’s a woman.
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive! My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair Guess who came crawling back
I know a woman who owns a taser. – She’s stunning!
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That’s the best I’ve done so far.
My ex-wife still misses me… BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN BETTER!
Why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s a woman.
There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead. Matt, “Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife” Priest, “how so?” Matt, “We were together naked, but we didn’t do anything just rubbed each other, that’s all” Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box" Matt, “okay i promise not to see her again” Then Matt walks out the door Priest, “Hey I saw you! you didn’t put any money in the donation box!!” Matt, “Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in”
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
RUS | ENG
