I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “what do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed. Most women can’t pull off sarcasm
Last halloween i went dressed as a woman. When i rang the doorbell an elderly woman opened and i made grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands. She immediately called the police and told them excactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First he asked are your parents here and i said nothing. Concerned by my answer he then asked if i was ok so i said nothing. He asked me what my name and i responded, "Hellen Keller.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
A blind man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bartender replies with, “I’m blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde.” Then says “Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke? ” the blind guy responds with "No I don’t wanna tell it that many times.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she know, She’s 7
If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it? The man, because he shouldn’t be driving in the kitchen.
There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead. Matt, “Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife” Priest, “how so?” Matt, “We were together naked, but we didn’t do anything just rubbed each other, that’s all” Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box" Matt, “okay i promise not to see her again” Then Matt walks out the door Priest, “Hey I saw you! you didn’t put any money in the donation box!!” Matt, “Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in”
I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… But I laugh more. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
why is there no woman on the moon? because it doesnt need to be cleaned
An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ?You look like a million pounds!? The wife divorced him.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That’s the best I’ve done so far.
My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly. So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
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