A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender I m here to assassinate John Tucker. The bartender replies he’s in the restroom. The hit man goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour. The bartender asks him did u kill him? The hitman replies with a sad face “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour and when I asked him what’s taking him so long he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started”.
A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship’s wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, “What’s with the wheel in your pants?” The pirate replies, “Yarrr! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Two kids walked into a bar, they were covered with blood. the bartender asked what happened. The youngest said “Well, we we’re trying to paint our basement but we threw the babies too hard”.
A nucleus walked into a bar, he asked the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, NO CHARGE!”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants. ” The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, “After this last drink, I’m going to the roof to kill myself.” A guy sitting next to him says, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”, in which the man replies, “Oh yeah?” So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says “You’re not gonna die, watch this!” He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says “Cool, let me try!”, and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says “Superman, you’re an asshole.”
A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says “man, how’d you get such a short piano player.” The bartender says in response” there’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says “what just happened” the bartender replies “the genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12 inch pianist?”
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit”
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. “Long day?” the bartender asks. “Well… My oldest son just came out…” The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. “What now?” the bartender asks. “My middle son just came out.” The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. “Again?” the bartender asks. “Yeah. My youngest son.” He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. “My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls? ?” the bartender asks. “Yeah… My wife.”
Blind guy and his seeing eye dog walk into a bar. The Blind guy starts swinging the dog around on the leash. The bartender yells Sir Stop! What are you doing!? The Blind guy say, I’m just looking around.
A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells who the f@ck f@cked my wife. The bartender answers “Mate you ain’t got enough bullets.”
A pirate walked into a bar with his ship’s steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, “Hey! What’s with the steering wheel?” The pirate says, “I don’t know but it’s driving me nuts!” A grasshopper jumps into a bar. The bartender says “we’ve got a drink named after you. ” The grasshopper says “seriously? Why would you name a drink named Callum?”
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.” The priest says “No you are not my son.” The man says " Follow me. " The man walks into the bar and the bartender says “Jesus Christ your back!”
A lady walked into a bar and ordered their special drink, the bartender then gave her a brown glass full of milk, the lady complained about this but then the bartender said, “just shut up and swallow”
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