Best Jokes

What’s the difference between a shooter and a bullied autistic kid

Depends who’s shooting

What is the difference between an orphan and a apple?

Well at least one gets picked

What’s green then red all over?

A frog in a blender!:)

So my friends birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.

Flag of Congo — Kinshasa @osowxvyy I was in Portugal enjoying my lunch when I saw a man choking! i wanted to save him but a local stopped me. “that’s Penandes, he always chokes when it matters most and ghosts in big games.” True enough, Penandes’ Ghost emerged from his body! Poor Penandes, may he get well soon!

I remember my moms last words before her divorce, did you just load in me.

What was Stephens hawking last words? I’m lagging

They say Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer, too bad he doesn’t cry

Old man goes to the doctor. The doctor says “The test results are back, and I’m sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.”. The old man says “Phew! At least it’s not cancer!”

I’m a Model. my doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram. (Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterwords he’s sitting the the doctor’s office and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer’s. ” The man replies, “well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

Any girl can be a squirter if you hit the right artery

I hit a ball with a bat it was called animal abuse

I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very EGGxiting, all though, I was EGGxaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then your hard boiled, that’s all for today YOLKS, so I said before several cats starting fighting, that sht was a CATastrophe, these kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be KITTEN me.” Mean while, in the ocean, they just waved, SEA what I did there? You SHORE you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too DEEP for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had NO BODY. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He BNED her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs? – One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

What’s the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? – The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

When I was a little boy I had this dream I was eating a giant marshmallow

When I woke I was being sexually abused

I had the BEST day EVER. 1:I woke up 2:I met someone im sad of 3:I had fun and got them back again online. But sadly the order was 2nd, 3rd, 1st… XD

I just found out my ex got stabbed today…lets just say i lost my job as a butcher

My grief counselor died the other day

He was so good at his job, i don’t even care.

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media — it was a picture of me.

My Aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said “If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or its useless, throw it away.” the next time my Aunt visited she said “Where is you daughter? ” my Mom said “I took your advice”