Best Jokes

I’m not saying I hate you. But if you got hit by a bus I’d be driving that bus.

You’re so short, when you were born, the doctor couldn’t tell if you were a boy, a girl, or a Jimmy Dean pork sausage.

Im jealous at me led lights. cause they r hanging from the celling ans im not.

What’s a similarity Cliff Hanger and Nooses?

They both leave you Hanging

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

Bonus joke: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it’s solved then there’s a little Asian in there.

Does an orphanage have daddy issues

Yes because he didn’t come back form getting the milk

What do you call terrible milk?

Udder Bullshit

There were 15 ugly guys on a bus. The bus crashed and they all went to heaven. God took pity on them and told the ugly dudes they could have one wish. The first guy said,"I want to be handsome. " God granted his wish. The second guy said,“I want to be more handsome than the first guy.”, God granted his wish. “The third guy said " I want to be more handsome than the second guy.” God granted his wish and this continued on and on until the 15 ugly guy.The ugly guy was laughing. Really hard. “What is your wish? ” God asked him. “I WANT ALL THESE GUYS UGLY AGAIN!!!” God granted his wish

Why can’t a steam locomotive sit down?

Because it has a tender behind.

Why did the pirate kids ride the short bus to school?

Because they were retarrrrrrrrrded

Tonight, on top gear!

James may dives a bus full of kids off a mountain!

Richard Hammond starts WW3 in Germany!

And I fly a plane into the World Trade Center!

Two artists had an art contest. – It ended in a draw.

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He just couldn’t see that well.

Will glass coffins be a success? – Remains to be seen.

What’s the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side

What’s the difference between light and hard?

It’s easy to get to sleep with a light on.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says: “It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone”

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult “I know the whole truth” they will be all weird so he went home and told his mom “I know the whole truth” and she gave him 20$ and said to keep quiet. Pleased when his dad got home he said “I know the whole truth” and his dad gave him 40$ an said don’t tell mom. really pleased he met the mailman the next day and said “I know the whole truth” then the mailman got down on his knee opened his arms and said come to daddy.

IDK if this is a joke or a question but If killing yourself send you to hell where does siting in the waiting room get you?

Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins he has all power but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea that’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different. Our lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven the promise land only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our lord. This is your choice believe and go to Heaven or don’t believe and go to Hell a eternal death make a choice.