Best Jokes

I punched an orphan and told him to go back to his parents and tell them about it… oh wait

%%whats the difference between my dad and cancer cancer dosent leave you

Friend: hits head* others: how many fingers am i holding up? me: to friend* how suicidal am i on a scale from one to ten? friend: ten me: hes fine guys

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

I’ll never forget my sister’s last word. “Is it edible?”

My sister reminds me of 911 one moan of OMG got everyone’s attention.

Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while we was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.

They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:

Thou shalt not f… altar boys

You know the song getting drunk on a plane it was written by the pilot of the linerd skinerd pilot

During the election campaign of 2012 we heard about Obama but we fought they said Osama. So I told my friend grab his gun and lets have some fun. So during one of Obama’s campaign we both shot him to death, which lasted a while. Then my friend said “lets go get piz drunk at Mavericks bar”. Then on TV they talked about Obama death and everybody but 2 guys cheered. Then guess what, we loaded our guns and lit those 2 guys up like we did to Obama.

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again”. His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude’s pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, “Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!” The first guy says “Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!”

Employer: Can you preform under pressure? Me: No, but i do a pretty good Bohemian Rhapsody.

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!” A man in the back responds, “YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

What does an astronaut call his ex from space?

SpaceX

I have big balls said the kid holding to soccer balls