Best Jokes

I pushed an orphan in a wheelchair into a fire and yelled hot wheels

I when to the orphans to paint a picture of there parents so they can actually talk to them

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack the other one is a watermelon.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?

Because he got hit by a bus!

Why’d sally drop her ice cream she was hit by a bus

Man: I got fired from my job at the calander factory. Lady: What did you do? Man: I took a day of…

My grief counsellor died today. He did such a great job. I don’t even care

As a son I like sports and I watch sports with my mom. So one day we were looking at football. My mom ask me who makes the most money I said the quarter back. My mom told me I going to get a quarter back has my new boyfriend and it be your new step father. a week lady my mom went out I came home I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said whats going on my mom said look my new boyfriend and new step father is the high school quarter back. My mom said see mission accomplish. I said yeah job well done.

I want a job cleaning mirrors, I could really see myself doing it??

A german soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, “What happened?” and the soldier replies, “Hail hit her.” (say the joke aloud and it will make more sense)

I fear my last words will be ‘‘hold my beer and watch this.’’

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.

A depressing but satisfying victory.

You should never leave a man hanging.

Unless they are still alive…

Q:Whats the difference between a computer and an abortion clinic A: Ctrl+Alt+Delete

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.

If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered suislide?

Asking for a friend.

I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.

As a fellow emo i find these very rude and disrespectful plz take off or i tell mom.

Also, if anyone knows any high bridges nearby please tell me (I’m asking for a friend)

P. S. I have no friends

Bf: Do you love me?

Gf: Most of time.

Bf: Well it’s either yes or no.

Gf: …

Bf: Well when is it that you don’t love me?

Gf: 2:30 to 4:00. Every time when you to the river an hour than it takes me a half hour to love you again.

Bf: Why?

Gf: Cuz you always see that OTHER GIRL.

Bf: MY LOVE! That other girl is my sister!!!

Gf: Ohh…

My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She’s got my sister’s eyes.

“I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry”

I really hate waiting to die… Its taking a lifetime

So there’s a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says “Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back,”. The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother’s back breaking. The little girl’s father looks in terror, she then says “step on a line and you break your father’s spine,”. The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out “OW MY SPINE, ”. The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.