Best Jokes

One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate’ "

Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either

Daughter: Dad, what’s your opinion on abortions?

Dad: Ask your sister

Daughter: But I don’t have a sister

Dad: Exactly

I told my friend yesterday he’s literally my dad.

He didn’t show up for the rest of the year.

My dad is like my depression you need a suicide letter to find him

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

A computer is a HARDware device. How come someone still feels it is MicroSOFT

There was a car accident and the cops pull up to the crime seen to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said what happened here she responded by saying a car crash. They then asked but how did it happen, she responded the cars crashed into each other. They finally said but why did it happen. The lady said oh i know where your going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas peddle the car goes forward and they both pushed it so they both went forward and hit each other. One cop said never mind ma’m and they stared walking away. The blonde lady then said oh and officers my computer froze do you think i should put in the microwave or in the oven?

Yo girl…do you like squirrels, because i’m about to nut in your hole

I GOT a job as a pencil sharpener I would tell you about it but you wouldn’t get the point.

Last Night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade… turns out I peed the bed.

What’s a spider-man’s dream job? Web developer

R u a toaster? cuz i wanna take a bath wit u r u a knife? cuz u make me wanna kms r u a painting? cuz i hang u r u the flu? cuz u make me wanna hurl r u a newspaper? cuz u have new problems everyday r u the ground? cuz im six feet deep in u ;)

As I’m lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:

Angel: This won’t last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.

Devil: Did she just twitch?

A: No. She didn’t twitch.

D:

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands

What do you call a green camel.

My parents left me.

There was a fancy dress party the theme was emotions. one guy came dressed in green and he was envy, another person came dressed in red and she was anger another guy came dressed in blue and he was sadness. Two indians came, one came with a hole in a pear and his d*** was in the pear said he was deep in dispear, the other indian came with his d*** in custard and he said he was f***ing dicustard

Q: what’s stronger than family?

A: whatever tree Paul walker hit

Yo mama so fat, she broke the stairs to heaven

Be grateful: You’re missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

A bully walks up to a kid named Billy to insult him and steal his lunch money. Later that night when he is at home, the bully’s father comes into his room to insult him and take the lunch money he stole. The father walks down stair to check on his father in the living room. When he walks in, his father insults him and takes the lunch money. The grandfather of the bully walks into the back yard and in the dark is Billy. The grandfather walks up to him and says “Where’s my money you worthless old fart.”