Best Jokes

Why did the silly girl?? put sugar under her pillow?

She wanted to have sweet dreams.??

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

My Aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said “If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or its useless, throw it away.” the next time my Aunt visited she said “Where is you daughter? ” my Mom said “I took your advice”

Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

Because they’re shellfish!

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

Why did stephen hawkins die

He lost internet connections

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “what do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed. Most women can’t pull off sarcasm

I am a failure to everyone and decided to attemp a suicide, guess what? I failed

I will always remeber my dads last words… “15 dollars and ill jump.”

If i could make someone tell me there last words theyd say " Make me"

I fear my last words will be ‘‘hold my beer and watch this.’’

In the hospital paralyzed kid: I’m out walks out the room blind kid: you can walk?! mute kid: you can see?! deaf kid: you can talk?! doctor: wut the f(beep)k

My doctor said “you have 1year to live”

I said " you wanna bet"

Bam a gun shot

When the chair was invented, the inventor’s friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: ‘You might want to sit down for this.’

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are. ”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

I have a pun, but I will nut-tella you!

Ow! you hit the spot!

How do Chinese people get their names? Their parent’s throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes,