Best Jokes

Your forehead is so big, Megamind though he was your long lost sibling. (me)

%%whats the difference between my dad and cancer cancer dosent leave you

I punched an orphan and told him to go back to his parents and tell them about it… oh wait

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

I’ll never forget my sister’s last word. “Is it edible?”

My sister reminds me of 911 one moan of OMG got everyone’s attention.

Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while we was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.

They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

A police man once said I will never forget 9/11 I said I hope not that’s your phone number

Friend: hits head* others: how many fingers am i holding up? me: to friend* how suicidal am i on a scale from one to ten? friend: ten me: hes fine guys

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

So Johnny was in kindergarten and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC’s so he goes home and ask his mom who’s cooking “Whats the first letter of the ABC’s?” he ask and his mom responds with “SHUT UP… I’M COOKING!” so then he walks to sister who’s signing in the shower and asks her “Whats the 2nd letter of the ABC’s?” she responds with “I’m ready

They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:

Thou shalt not f… altar boys

What’s the difference between a priest and a rabbi, the rabbi cuts it off the the priest sucks it off

I have big balls said the kid holding to soccer balls

My uncle is a computer genius! The police even called him a pdf file!!

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?”

The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”

“Yeah, that’s the one!”

You know the song getting drunk on a plane it was written by the pilot of the linerd skinerd pilot

During the election campaign of 2012 we heard about Obama but we fought they said Osama. So I told my friend grab his gun and lets have some fun. So during one of Obama’s campaign we both shot him to death, which lasted a while. Then my friend said “lets go get piz drunk at Mavericks bar”. Then on TV they talked about Obama death and everybody but 2 guys cheered. Then guess what, we loaded our guns and lit those 2 guys up like we did to Obama.

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again”. His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude’s pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, “Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!” The first guy says “Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!”

What did the doctor say to the chinese patient? Sum ting wong

Patient: “Doctor my bottom hurts” Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” Patient: “Right around the entrance” Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance it will hurt”