Best Jokes

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen.

Why did the loo roll roll down the stairs — to get to the bottom What do you call a bear with no teeth — a gummy bear! !!

What’s wite and black and red allover? A nun that fell down stairs

I punched an orphan and told him to go back to his parents and tell them about it… oh wait

My doctor said “you have 1year to live”

I said " you wanna bet"

Bam a gun shot

So theres a orphan in a hospital and the doctor walks up and says “sorry kid but this is a family hospital”

Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there the doctor asks him “Do you have cancer?” Pinocchio replies, “That was very straight up, but, no I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer.” After saying this, his nose grew.

I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.

I’ve sadly received a rejection letter from NASA. Strangely, it says there’s no space on their training programme.

Knock knock? who’s there? Not sally she doesn’t have and arms Why did sally fall off the swing? She doesn’t have any arms Why did sally drop her ice cream? She got hit by a bus

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH

I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did

I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday

I would name my daughter awesome so I can tell people that I’m f@cking awesome.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says: “It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone”

John: hi boss it is raining heavily today so I would not be coming

Boss: u stated in ur job application that swimming was it hobby so see u at at 11am

A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery

Boss: “we have to let you go.”

Surgeon: “I protest innocence.”

Boss: “how?”

Surgeon: “I thought to do your job and saving people’s lives were two different things. ”

Boss: “get out”

The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try. The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It’s a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. “Impressive,” said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. “It’s a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get this job, I’ll tell who the father is!”

How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.

I see a poor guy. Mini me be like- mama can I giwve mwy spare money to him.?? and my mum sais yes so I give my money and home feeling SO NICE while MY MOM knows he’s going to spend it on DRUGS we go back tomorrow and then after we go to the same place and then I see him with drugs. Me- what I think fck what I do??.

Kids- its time for dora kids-YAY nick jr host- today Dora is going on a big adventure with Grandma Swiper- hello kids i am trying to find my way to Diego’s will you please help me Kids- where’s dora Swiper- she’s under cardiac arrest kids — htm title=' Everybody- SWIPER NO SWIPING Swiper - AH MAN!'> poor dora Everybody- SWIPER NO SWIPING Swiper — AH MAN!!

Your so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.