Best Jokes

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?

Because he got hit by a bus!

My wife said if I don’t get of the computer shes gonna slam my head in to the keyboard but I think I’ll ajlkfsdhnvkwr;anhf

Why did the little girl’s ice cream melt?

She was on fire.

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.

If I was a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party and insomnia the little annoying sibling.

A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid

Man: Hang in there! Im gonna get some help!

Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said

Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!) As they’re approaching the Pearly Gates to be interview by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end. Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven. He says to the first nun: “Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man”? Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says: Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don’t let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven". St. Peter says: “Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven”. Sister Carmel sees what’s going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently. “Pssst — hey Bernie”! , she says. Sister Bernadette asks: “What is it?” A little annoyed. Sister Carmel says: “Do you mind if we swap places”? Sister Bernadette replies: “What for”? Sister Carmel says: “Well, I wouldn’t mind gargling before you stick your ass in there”!

What’s better then sex with your 12 year old sister?

Rolling her over and pretending it’s your 10 year old brother

What’s Thanos’ favorite game? Half-life

Q If a electric train heads south what way does the steam go A no steam

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

Person: ‘Doctor, doctor I’ve only got 50 seconds to live’

Doctor: ‘Just give me a minute’

In the hospital paralyzed kid: I’m out walks out the room blind kid: you can walk?! mute kid: you can see?! deaf kid: you can talk?! doctor: wut the f(beep)k

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.