Best Jokes

Yo mama so fat thanos had to clap

All you need is a Razor Blade in life.

Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? – The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did

When the chair was invented, the inventor’s friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: ‘You might want to sit down for this.’

This joke is so funny I’ll bet you greened (grined)

Q:Whats the difference between a computer and an abortion clinic A: Ctrl+Alt+Delete

Boy: why is my sister named Rose Dad: someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head Boy: okay Dad Dad: No problem Brick

Jack and rose went on a cruise to do it in the water. jack seldom wore a condom, and now they have a daughter.

Your forehead is so big I bet your dreams are in IMAX.

My friend dreamed of being a porno star. He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him The next job he got was pumping petrol, halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

What do you call a dog with no legs…

My asian neighbors dinner.



Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " f@cking, f@ck,f@ck,f@ck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad’s in the kitchen f@cking the turkey.

When I saw a girl sitting on the ground crying

When I asked her where her parents were, she cried louder

That’s why I like to volunteer in an orphanage

What did Earth say to the other planets? – “You guys have no life!”

Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope i’ll get hit by a car. am not dead yet, i hope i’ll die. I hope i’ll born to a new hole life.

John: hi boss it is raining heavily today so I would not be coming

Boss: u stated in ur job application that swimming was it hobby so see u at at 11am

I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.

Why did the hooker quit her job?

She had a nut allergy

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?" Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You’re only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?" Cindy says: "Well daddy, I’ll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it …" Dad gives in and says: “OK, give me a head-job then”. He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo — that taste’s like shit! " Dad goes: “Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon …”

A lady walked into a bar and ordered their special drink, the bartender then gave her a brown glass full of milk, the lady complained about this but then the bartender said, “just shut up and swallow”

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this – a joke?”