Best Jokes

A guy is at home and he’s about to go get a physical at the Doctor’s office. When he gets there, the Doctor says, “Brian, you’re going to have to stop masturbating. ” He asked the Doc why? The Doc said, “So I can examine you!”

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up and Manners. One day Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station whilst Manners tried to help Shit. When Shut up got to the police station he says “my brother has just been hit by a car.” The policeman replied with “OK then first I need to know your name.” “Shut up” “No, I need to know your name.” “Shut up. ” “Excuse me but where are your manners.” “Round the corner picking up shit.”

What’s the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.

I KNOW IT’S MARCH, BUT I THOUGHT OF THIS!!

Jingle bells, jingle bells! OH GOD, SANTA FELL! I guess it’s time for Mrs. Claus to go straight down to hell!

I fear my last words will be ‘‘hold my beer and watch this.’’

They say Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer, too bad he doesn’t cry

Why do emos like circles because they can hang out with them

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

As a son I like sports and I watch sports with my mom. So one day we were looking at football. My mom ask me who makes the most money I said the quarter back. My mom told me I going to get a quarter back has my new boyfriend and it be your new step father. a week lady my mom went out I came home I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said whats going on my mom said look my new boyfriend and new step father is the high school quarter back. My mom said see mission accomplish. I said yeah job well done.

If you hit a child that’s child abuse. if you hit a family member that’s abuse. if you kill either, it’s murder for some reason. if it’s a whole family, its genocide for another reason.

What’s the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass

Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtan… So your the one!

John: hi boss it is raining heavily today so I would not be coming

Boss: u stated in ur job application that swimming was it hobby so see u at at 11am

Why did the dwarf get a job at lidl? Because every lidl heps

What do u get when u cross a stick and a dog a run away joke…

Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it’s solved then there’s a little Asian in there.

Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!) As they’re approaching the Pearly Gates to be interview by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end. Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven. He says to the first nun: “Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man”? Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says: Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don’t let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven". St. Peter says: “Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven”. Sister Carmel sees what’s going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently. “Pssst — hey Bernie”! , she says. Sister Bernadette asks: “What is it?” A little annoyed. Sister Carmel says: “Do you mind if we swap places”? Sister Bernadette replies: “What for”? Sister Carmel says: “Well, I wouldn’t mind gargling before you stick your ass in there”!

I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday

Why do bees have sticky hair

They always use honeycombs