Best Jokes

If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?

The man, because he shouldn’t be driving in the kitchen.

A girl and dog get dropped off at an orphanage why was she crying before she went in Because the people came back for their dog

My daughter said i could never make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!!!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Ow! you hit the spot!

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

How do trees get online? – They just log in.

U wanna hear a Suicide joke nvm it didn’t make it

“Oh waiter! Waiter!”

“Yes sir?”

“Do you have frog’s legs?”

“Why yes”

“Good. Now hop along and get me a steak!”

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up and Manners. One day Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station whilst Manners tried to help Shit. When Shut up got to the police station he says “my brother has just been hit by a car.” The policeman replied with “OK then first I need to know your name.” “Shut up” “No, I need to know your name.” “Shut up. ” “Excuse me but where are your manners.” “Round the corner picking up shit.”

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

I wish my ex wife would take me back.:(