To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him. “Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.” “Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls, ” replies the nun. “I didn’t want to get drafted either.”
I’m like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside
after a surgery, a man claimed he couldn’t feel his legs, i replied “OF COURSE NOT, I AMPUTATED YOUR f@ckING ARMS!”
Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime
I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating “Ni caizhe wo de yangqi guan” Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, “Honey put down the knife we were only talking about getting a divorce.”
What do you call a dog with no legs… My asian neighbors dinner.
Your legs are just like oreos! I wanna split the ends and eat whats in between.
“Go big or go home”, that’s what some people say. “Go loud and proud”, that’s what other people say. “Go out with a big, loud bang!”, that’s what I say.
I’ll never forget my aunt’s last words before she died “can you stop shaking the latter please”
My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks
Person A: cmon person B, just be happy, smile Person B: over my dead body Person B: gets the noose
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
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