Are you a toaster? Bc I want to take a bath w you ;)
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg
What’s under the bottom? Your legs.
Me: Calls 9-1-1 Operator: 9/11 what’s your emergency? Me: hangs up
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.
Whats the difference batween an onion and a baby. One makes you cry when you cut it up
Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you f@ck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR f@ckED NOW
Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!
I will never forget my grandfathers last words. “The f@ck you doing whit that knife
All my jokes are cys for help INCLUDING THIS ONE
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " f@cking, f@ck,f@ck,f@ck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad’s in the kitchen f@cking the turkey.
I don’t call it suicide. I call it population control
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you? Take her wheel chair, she’ll come crawling back.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!" The Doctor replies, “I know, I amputated your arms.”
im jealous at me led lights. cause they r hanging from the celling ans im not.
RUS | ENG
