Chuck Norris doesn’t turn on his shower, he just stares at it until it cries
What were Princess Dianas last words? Have you been Dri…
My mom told me its not healthy to stay in my room all day…but the only places I’m allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
You can’t YEE your last H A W! but I put my BALLS in ur JAW.
Last word of mayor of Hiroshima: ‘what the f@ck was that noise?’ What where Stephens last words “battery low”
Why did potassium draw a tear that would consult in him crying? Because all of his friends argon
Being sad is my only happiness
I wish i could be as visible as my depression is. My future is so bright, i need a flashlight to see where i’m going
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, “Honey put down the knife we were only talking about getting a divorce.”
If I went to walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they’re barcodes too.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”? Because every scene has a cast!
Me: Calls 9-1-1 Operator: 9/11 what’s your emergency? Me: hangs up
Why couldn’t the emo kid hang himself? After eating through his feelings the belt wouldn’t fit around his neck
“I wasn’t that drunk yesterday.” “Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying.”
after a surgery, a man claimed he couldn’t feel his legs, i replied “OF COURSE NOT, I AMPUTATED YOUR f@ckING ARMS!”
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