what has two legs and is red all over? half a cat
I’ll never forget my sister’s last word. “Is it edible?”
An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.
Once I saw A girl crying and asked where are your parents; God I love working at orphanages.
I’ll always remember my father’s last words: I’m gonna sleep for a little.
i remember my moms last words before her divorce, did you just load in me.
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”. The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes. The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
I will always remeber my dads last words… “15 dollars and ill jump.” if i could make someone tell me there last words theyd say " Make me"
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry. Onions was a good dog.
What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him ? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
A man walks into a bar. Sits down and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating for and said he’ll give one shot on the house. The man said I celebrating my first blowjob. And nah if 12 shots doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.
Suicide is never the answer Suicide is the question The answer is yes
Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son, Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day.??
What does a priest and a clown have in common? They both make children cry
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