Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you” Person I’m talking to: Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline “haha what”
What’s the difference between a man and a table. The table doesn’t cry when I break it’s legs
I love Brussel sprouts more than I love myself
What’s the difference between a coat hangerband an emo? Nothing that both hang
if things dont get better the Christmas lights wont be the only thing hanging
To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him. “Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.” “Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls, ” replies the nun. “I didn’t want to get drafted either.”
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”. The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes. The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
I remember my dad’s last words “I met your father.”
Hey can’t wait to meet you! So join the crippiling depression family!!
I was crying at school telling my friends my grandpa died, And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were “Are you still holding the ladder?”
i saw a little kid crying yesterday, so i asked him where his parents were. God i love working at an orphanage
What made me laugh? The fact that my life is a joke:")
A man walks into a bar. Sits down and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating for and said he’ll give one shot on the house. The man said I celebrating my first blowjob. And nah if 12 shots doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.
I was crying when Sasha died in AOT, i also got jealous.
Me: Wanna play 9/11? Friend: What’s that? Me: Its a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.
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