i will remember my brothers last words: if you cant put a fork in a toaster how about a spoon
Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!
If you were a food what would you be? Friend 1-Pizza cause I’m so cheesy Friend 2-Chocolate chip cookie cause I have lots of friends Me-donut cause I’m so empty inside
Q:How do you make a door cry A:Twist it’s knob
Orphans are the best targets for bullying, since who they gonna cry too? their parents?
I’ll never forget my sister’s last word. “Is it edible?”
friend: hey,wanna play hid and seek? me:sure, i’ve got a great spot! me: grabs nuce and runs to my closet
why do we tell actors to break a leg … so they can get in the cast!
What’s a similarity Cliff Hanger and Nooses? They both leave you Hanging
Q:What did one koala say to the other? A:Hows it hanging.??
Why did potassium draw a tear that would consult in him crying? Because all of his friends argon
I wish I could say that my life is a joke but I can’t because jokes have a meaning
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”
**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. ) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.
RUS | ENG
