Dark Humor

what does an apple and a lawyer have in common? they both look good hanging from a tree

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Depression is like therapy the more you see it the more you get used to it

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Friend 1:Eyyy gurl Me:Hey! (Fake smile) Friend 2:hey g-guys what "bout we play would you rather? 6 hours later Friend 2:So (name) would u rather? 1.“Hang” out with me Or 2.“Jump” 1 times? Me…e-eh?..Why not both???we could just "Jump while “Hanging” out right?

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Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? – Because the cow has the udder.

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You wanna know why I love trains? They end my suffering.

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Sometimes i get jealous when my phone dies

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A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street, he thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with so he called in one of the friends. The friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. the policeman called in the 2nd friend, the 2nd friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. Confused the policeman asked, “how is it that when you look into his face you’re sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you’re sure he is not?” The 1st friend said, “well you see Joe has 2 assholes.” "Are you serious? the policeman asked. “Oh yes,” he replied, “we’ve never actually seen them but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, hey there’s Joe with those 2 assholes.”

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What’s the difference between a man and a table. The table doesn’t cry when I break it’s legs

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What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.

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people talking me asking whats the worst day in the year for them. Person 1: The first day of school cause i don’t like going to school Person 2: Valentines day cause its to lovey Me: oh nice mines my birthday cause its when i was born

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I’ll never forget my grandma’s last words, “What are you doing in here with that hammer?”

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When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

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They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.

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Other girls be like “I want a 6ft guy”, meanwhile I want to be 6ft under ????

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Bro I love hanging out with white people, its either we play Yahtzee Or We Playin Nazi

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