Dark Humor

I’ll always remember my dads last words… Why do you have an axe we live in the city

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Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!

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What was Stephens hawking last words? I’m lagging

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**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. ) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

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I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg

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Why can’t depressed people leave the maze? Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.

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I was speaking at my grandpa’s funeral and I told everybody his last words: “You still holding the latter?”

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I was crying when Sasha died in AOT, i also got jealous.

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Dont say your life is a joke because jokes got meaning.

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why do emos like circles because they can hang out with them

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You know people always say your life is worth it, but with me it’s worth-it-less

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I wish I could say that my life is a joke but I can’t because jokes have a meaning

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Person A: cmon person B, just be happy, smile Person B: over my dead body Person B: gets the noose

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What’s under the bottom? Your legs.

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I remember my grandfathers last words: Are you holding the ladder

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