I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry. Onions was a good dog.
i will remember my brothers last words: if you cant put a fork in a toaster how about a spoon
did you fall from heaven? or did you fall from the cliff up there?
Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!
Whats the difference between a school bus and my Dad’s van? Schools buses usually don’t have screaming and crying children
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, “Honey put down the knife we were only talking about getting a divorce.”
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”. The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes. The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
All my jokes are cys for help INCLUDING THIS ONE
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”
If I went to walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they’re barcodes too.
Friend #1: “Whats your favourite thing about trees?” Friend #2: “Apples” Me: “I can hang myself in them.”
Hey can’t wait to meet you! So join the crippiling depression family!!
When the emo kid hangs himself and the autistic kid thinks that it’s a pinata… BATTER UP TO THE PLATE!
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? – Because the cow has the udder.
I will never forget my grandpa’s last words: Alahu-Akbar i will remember my aunties last word: if you shoot me you pen-s is small (gun shot)
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