I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " f@cking, f@ck,f@ck,f@ck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad’s in the kitchen f@cking the turkey.
I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating “Ni caizhe wo de yangqi guan”
Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says “Owwww” are his arms.
What do depressed people and Apple’s have in common?
They both hang from trees
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child…?
The washing machine doesn’t cry when you put a load in it.
Sex is like math. Subtract the clothes, Add the bed, Divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.
I will remember my biker buddies last words?Why did you cut in front of me?.
Why did i walk across the road?
To get hit by a car
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
Depression is like therapy the more you see it the more you get used to it
Me: Knock knock…Friend: who’s there? Me: I don’t know anymore
I’ll never forget my bosses last words: " We shall serve the best meat in our burgers! "
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs, at you front door?
Matt
Little jonny waked in on his mom in the shower and said what’s that on your chest mom: those are my head lights oh what’s that in between your legs mom: oh that’s my bush jonny: oh OK next he waked in on his dad in the shower he said dad what’s that in between your legs dad: oh that’s my snake jonny: oh OK that night little jonny walks in on his parents going at it and said " mom turn on his head lights there’s a snake Going in your bush
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