Dark Humor

I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: why didn’t you drug her again so she would forget?

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What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him ? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

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what do you call a dog with no legs? It don’t matter what you call it. It ain’t coming.

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My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

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A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street, he thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with so he called in one of the friends. The friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. the policeman called in the 2nd friend, the 2nd friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. Confused the policeman asked, “how is it that when you look into his face you’re sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you’re sure he is not?” The 1st friend said, “well you see Joe has 2 assholes.” "Are you serious? the policeman asked. “Oh yes,” he replied, “we’ve never actually seen them but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, hey there’s Joe with those 2 assholes.”

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Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately? Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow

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Grandpa’s last words,why do you have a chain saw

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i will always remember my grandfathers last words “ill just check if its poisonous”.

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I was crying when Sasha died in AOT, i also got jealous.

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What do you call a dog with no legs? – Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.

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My grandad broke his legs. To cheer him up i bought him a walkman

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I’ll never forget my brother’s last words: “Why is there a revolver in your hand?”

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I can’t hang out with a emo when they are sad? Why? Because it cuts deeply

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I can measure the speed of an object. Because I want to km/s

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I still remember my grandpas last words Stop shaking the damn ladder

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