Dark Humor

I will always remember my uncle’s last words, “What’s The Shovel For?”

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The only time you see a depressed person lifted up - when they hang themselves.

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How do you make a builder cry? Kill his family

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I can measure the speed of an object. Because I want to km/s

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What does a cannibal and a spider have in common? Both eight legs

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When its been halloween for a few months but there’s still a body hanging from your neighbours tree

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Teacher : Who here has thought about committing suicide? Half of the class : raises hand Teacher : … The half of the class: Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it

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A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street, he thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with so he called in one of the friends. The friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. the policeman called in the 2nd friend, the 2nd friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. Confused the policeman asked, “how is it that when you look into his face you’re sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you’re sure he is not?” The 1st friend said, “well you see Joe has 2 assholes.” "Are you serious? the policeman asked. “Oh yes,” he replied, “we’ve never actually seen them but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, hey there’s Joe with those 2 assholes.”

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I’ll always remember my Dad’s last words before he died on 9/11… Allahu Akbar!

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i went to a butcher house with my little cousin and seen a baby pig and told her look its pepa pig she started crying

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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom.

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what do depressed people and Apple’s have in common? they both hang from trees

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Depression is like therapy the more you see it the more you get used to it

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what do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter whutcha call him he ain’t comin’

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What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit? A DEPPression. (If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke)

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