What has four legs and one arm? A rottweiler at a park. What do you say to a 1 legged hitch hiker? Hop in!
The more suicidal people there are the less suicidal people there are
what does an apple and a lawyer have in common? they both look good hanging from a tree
I tried to high five a tree it left me hanging
Why do orphans cry at insurance places They got offered the family plan
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry. Onions was a good dog.
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
My girlfriends last words I can’t wait to become a mom
I saw a kid crying and i asked him where his parents were… Man i love working at a Orphanige
Grandpa’s last words,why do you have a chain saw
A pirate walked into a bar with his ship’s steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, “Hey! What’s with the steering wheel?” The pirate says, “I don’t know but it’s driving me nuts! ” I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to “Hang in there.”
What does PEMDAS stand for? Please End My Depression And Suffering
How do you make a builder cry? Kill his family
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”. The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes. The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
after a surgery, a man claimed he couldn’t feel his legs, i replied “OF COURSE NOT, I AMPUTATED YOUR f@ckING ARMS!”
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