A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”
To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him. “Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.” “Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls, ” replies the nun. “I didn’t want to get drafted either.”
Dont say your life is a joke because jokes got meaning.
Friend #1: “Whats your favourite thing about trees?” Friend #2: “Apples” Me: “I can hang myself in them.”
When you realize you have depression and depression realize how stupid you were
My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks
What do you call a cow with no legs Ground beef…haha…no one likes my jokes
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning. A depressing but satisfying victory.
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
U wanna hear a Suicide joke nvm it didn’t make it
When its been halloween for a few months but there’s still a body hanging from your neighbours tree
I remember my uncles last words: “I don’t think were going shooting today.”
What has 4 wheels 2 legs and loves his shoulder Stephen hawking
Sometimes i get jealous when my phone dies
RUS | ENG
