I can’t hang out with a emo when they are sad? Why? Because it cuts deeply
what do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter whutcha call him he ain’t comin’
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better so i sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wifes broken leg.
friend: hey,wanna play hid and seek? me:sure, i’ve got a great spot! me: grabs nuce and runs to my closet
**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. ) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
if things dont get better the Christmas lights wont be the only thing hanging
according to all known laws of aviation, a bee should not be able to fly, it wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. but of course, bees fly anyway because bees don’t care about what humans think is impossible, Yellow, Black. Yellow, Black
They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you” Person I’m talking to: Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline “haha what”
Why do trees never call emo kids? The emos always hang up on them.
Me having a good day Going on a walk on a peaceful day* my depression: hey whats up! Me: go away. My depression: well how rude. Me: ??. My depression: remeber that one tim… Me: no, dont even. My depression: that we… Me: nope. My deprssion: says really fast:said that one stupid joke that wasnt funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilt water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like yoy do every single night. Me: ??????. My depression: ?? dont worry I’ll always be here for you.
my grandpas last words were, why is there a body in my kitchen. no witnessess
Lets make a joke on how depressing monday is to ignore how depressing everyday is.
What do you call a cow with two legs Answer: Your mom
i will always remember my grandfathers last words “ill just check if its poisonous”.
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