I will never forget my grandfathers last words. “The f@ck you doing whit that knife
I cry a lot for someone who isn’t even properly hydrated
What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg? Eileen Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says “I have some good news and bad news" so the patient says “What is the bad news?” the Doctor replies “I have had to amputate both your legs” so the patent says “Well what is the good news? ” the Doctor replies "I have found someone to buy your slippers”…
I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I wont ever Forget my dads last words: “OH GOD THE POLICE!!!”
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”. The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes. The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom.
What’s the difference between a coat hangerband an emo? Nothing that both hang
“Hold my beer, watch this.”
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful f@cker just sat in his wheelchair and cried
i remember my moms last words before her divorce, did you just load in me.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”
What do you call a cow that has two legs shorter on one side of its body compared to the other? LEAN BEEF!
I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: why didn’t you drug her again so she would forget?
I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating “Ni caizhe wo de yangqi guan” Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”
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