I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
A man walks into a bar. Sits down and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating for and said he’ll give one shot on the house. The man said I celebrating my first blowjob. And nah if 12 shots doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.
What’s the difference between a onion and a viola? No one cries when they cut up the viola
My memes are ironic but my depression is chronic.
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
I will always remember my grandpa’s last words. SHIT, THE LADDER IS FALLING!
I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging
What’s under the bottom? Your legs.
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”. The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes. The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
grandfathers last words :Stop shaking the ladder you cunt Grandmother last words : you know how to use that hammer Dads last words : Always aim before you shoot that gun Moms last words : Turn of the stove when you’re done My last thought : am I a murder
Boys: “Hey, can billy come out and play baseball?” Mom: “That’s not funny, you know billy doesn’t have any arms and legs” Boys: “I know, we need a third base”
I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: why didn’t you drug her again so she would forget?
one time i broke up with my roblox girlfriend by sending her a message, 30 seconds later i heard my uncle crying in the next room
life’s too short to want it.
What does a priest and a clown have in common? They both make children cry
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