I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
im jealous at me led lights. cause they r hanging from the celling ans im not.
I’ll never forget my sister’s last word. “Is it edible?”
Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left it.
**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. ) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
whats the similarities between an emo and some Christmas lights they are both going to be hanging from a tree
If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee. Expresso Expresso, no more depresso!
What has 4 wheels 2 legs and loves his shoulder Stephen hawking
I remember grandpas last words “oh shit it’s in drive”
911 what’s your emergency Me, my grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she’s dead Well it’s not a living room any more Me, hangs up Whats worse than 1000 dead babies hanging off a tree? 1 dead baby hanging of 1000 trees
Why did Logan Paul go to the suicide forest? to see who’s hanging around.
Whats the difference batween an onion and a baby. One makes you cry when you cut it up
Kid:what is between moms legs? Dad:paridise. Kid whats between you legs? Dad:the key to paridise. Kid:well uou better change the lock the neighbor has the key to.
I will always remember my grandpa’s last words. SHIT, THE LADDER IS FALLING!
“Hold my beer, watch this.”
RUS | ENG
