Dark Humor

me: have you ever went sky diving friend:No me:Well don’t it sucks friend:Why me:They gave me a parachute and I lived

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Famous last words of my uncle: (a bomb disposal expert) yes the red wire

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What made me laugh? The fact that my life is a joke:")

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Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately? Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow

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I still remember my grandpas last words stop wobbling the ladder you cunt

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“Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live.” “1…2…3 ……4…5…” Did you noticed you said nothing at all?

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Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime

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Why were the cherries ?? crying? Because their parents were in a jam.

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Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " f@cking, f@ck,f@ck,f@ck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad’s in the kitchen f@cking the turkey.

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what has two legs and is red all over? half a cat

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What’s under the bottom? Your legs.

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My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better so i sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wifes broken leg.