if things dont get better the Christmas lights wont be the only thing hanging
I wont ever Forget my dads last words: “OH GOD THE POLICE!!!”
Me- crying in the shower Also me- why is my toaster in here?
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what their doing and the father says: “Well…We’re making you a brother.” So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he’s going to have a brother soon. The next day when little Jonny’s father comes come Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what’s wrong. Jonny cries: “I won’t have a baby brother!” HIs father is confused. “What do you mean?” He asks. “Because the mailman came by today and ate him!”
What do emos and apples have in common? They both hang on trees.
i remember my moms last words before her divorce, did you just load in me.
Me: Wanna play 9/11? Friend: What’s that? Me: Its a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better so i sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wifes broken leg.
To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I’m still here
Why was I stress eating on the train track? To wait to get hit.
What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg? Eileen Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says “I have some good news and bad news" so the patient says “What is the bad news?” the Doctor replies “I have had to amputate both your legs” so the patent says “Well what is the good news? ” the Doctor replies "I have found someone to buy your slippers”…
I will never forget my grandfathers last words. “The f@ck you doing whit that knife
I am a failure to everyone and decided to attemp a suicide, guess what? I failed
I wish my hair was depressed Cause then it would cut itself
why does a movie set say break a leg? because they have a CAST
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