I love Brussel sprouts more than I love myself
Me and a person downtown. Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night. Me: I guess so. Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this? Me: I don’t know. I used too, but don’t anymore. Person: why’d you stop? Me: unfortunately, I lived every time I’d try something.
They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.
whats the difference between onions and babys? i cry when i cut onions.
Yes I’m CUTE C-ringe U-gly T-errible E-mpty
What do you call a person with no arms or legs at your front door? Mat
Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was and she replied with “Oh what’s the point. Life is meaningless…”. Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You stupid f*****” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed. The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is and he answered with “Oh what’s the point. Life is meaningless…” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!” As Sam arrived at the counselors office she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You stupid f*****” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.
I will always remember my grandpa’s last words. SHIT, THE LADDER IS FALLING!
A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”. And the doctor replied, “I know. I amputated you arms.”
Hey can’t wait to meet you! So join the crippiling depression family!!
What do you call a dog with no legs… My asian neighbors dinner.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, “Honey put down the knife we were only talking about getting a divorce.”
There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
I’ll never forget my aunt’s last words before she died “can you stop shaking the latter please”
How do you make a builder cry? Kill his family
RUS | ENG
