my sons so ungrateful. i bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.
i will remember my brothers last words: if you cant put a fork in a toaster how about a spoon
Snow everywhere, it’s Christmas time. A person looks at the tree. The person: Only last thing left to hang! He grabs a noose.
I’m going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I’m a pinata
It’s ironic that the more other people love you the more you hate yourself.
Sometimes i get jealous when my phone dies
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says “What’s wrong?” The woman says “I’ve never been hugged before.” So, the man gives her a hug and walks away. The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says “What’s wrong, now?” The woman says “I’ve never been kissed before.” So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away. The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says “Oh, for Christ’s sake! What’s wrong, this time?!” The woman says “Well, I’ve never been f@cked before.” So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells “YOU’RE f@ckED!”
I was crying when Sasha died in AOT, i also got jealous.
I will never forget my grandpa’s last words: Alahu-Akbar i will remember my aunties last word: if you shoot me you pen-s is small (gun shot)
What’s under the bottom? Your legs.
What was Steven Hawking’s last words? The windows xp log out sound
Why can’t depressed people leave the maze? Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work. Paddy agrees to tell Seamuswife the bad news. He knocks on the door and Seamus wife answers. " Whats happened Paddy?" Paddy frowns. " Im sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, im so sorry." She started to cry and asked paddy: " Did he at least die quickly? " Seamus shook his head, " No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
Me: Knock knock…Friend: who’s there? Me: I don’t know anymore
Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.
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