Chuck Norris doesn’t turn on his shower, he just stares at it until it cries
Once I saw A girl crying and asked where are your parents; God I love working at orphanages.
I still remember my granpas last words: turn the lawn mower off!
They say Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer, too bad he doesn’t cry
I am a failure to everyone and decided to attemp a suicide, guess what? I failed
why do we tell actors to break a leg … so they can get in the cast!
1.) What’s Yellow And Can’t Swim? A Bus Full Of Children 2.) Did you hear bout the pilsbury dough boy? he died of a yeast infection 3.) I will never forget my grandads last words… “you’re still holding the ladder right?” 4.) I have a fish that can breakdance… only for 20 seconds though, and only once 5.) give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours… lite a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
“Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live.” “1…2…3 ……4…5…” Did you noticed you said nothing at all?
Boys: “Hey, can billy come out and play baseball?” Mom: “That’s not funny, you know billy doesn’t have any arms and legs” Boys: “I know, we need a third base”
I remember my dad’s last words “I met your father.”
I don"t think I’m allergic to this
What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs and sits in front of your door? Mat.
i have no friends but then i realize my true friends are anxiety and depression
**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. ) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
What do you call a dog with no legs… My asian neighbors dinner.
RUS | ENG
