I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
The depressed kid at school tried giving the tree a high five It left him hanging
You know people always say your life is worth it, but with me it’s worth-it-less
Me: Knock knock…Friend: who’s there? Me: I don’t know anymore
My mom told me its not healthy to stay in my room all day…but the only places I’m allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
Me: want to play 911 My little brother: what’s that Me: It’s where i kick your legs and you fall
If I went to walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they’re barcodes too.
i will remember my brothers last words: if you cant put a fork in a toaster how about a spoon
What did Steven Hawlkings last words? Error 404 File Not Found
Sometimes i get jealous when my phone dies
Whats Big, bounces, and make little kids cry? my donation to the orphanage :)
What’s the difference between a baby and an onion ? One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.
Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”? Because every scene has a cast!
**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. ) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
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