I’ll never forget my aunt’s last words before she died “can you stop shaking the latter please”
You’d think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no… oh no he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.
Me: Calls 9-1-1 Operator: 9/11 what’s your emergency? Me: hangs up
Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
I remember grandpas last words “oh shit it’s in drive”
If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee. Expresso Expresso, no more depresso!
a mom cows last words were to the mom cows son they were you are then died the son though that he was adopted but then 3 years later the mom cow rose from the dead and said to her son that she was going to say you were adorable then she died once more then 2 years later she rose from htm title=' her son and that’s why we adopted you.'>the dead for the last time to say to her son and that’s why we adopted you.
Your legs are just like oreos! I wanna split the ends and eat whats in between.
Why does sumo wrestlers shave their legs? Because they don’t want to be mistaken as feminists
Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful f@ck just sat in his wheelchair and cried if your depressed and you crying like this joke
Me: Man I wish my clothes were emo. Friend:Why? Me:so they would hang themselves
A man walks into a bar. Sits down and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating for and said he’ll give one shot on the house. The man said I celebrating my first blowjob. And nah if 12 shots doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.
I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.
They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.
Hey can’t wait to meet you! So join the crippiling depression family!!
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