i will remember my brothers last words: if you cant put a fork in a toaster how about a spoon
There were three people on the third floor of a building the first one took a bite of a apple then said it was too hard so he threw it out the window the second person took a bite of a lemon he said it was too sour so he threw it out the window the third guy was drunk, he took a bite of a grenade and thought it was to crunchy so he threw it out the window then one of them went downstairs he saw a dog laying on the ground dead the apple had hit the dog in the head then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap it had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head next there was a old guy laughing i asked him why he was laugh he said “i farted and the building behind me blew up”.
Sex is like math. Subtract the clothes, Add the bed, Divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.
What do you call a smurf with no arms or legs? A paintball
What’s a similarity Cliff Hanger and Nooses? They both leave you Hanging
A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street, he thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with so he called in one of the friends. The friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. the policeman called in the 2nd friend, the 2nd friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. Confused the policeman asked, “how is it that when you look into his face you’re sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you’re sure he is not?” The 1st friend said, “well you see Joe has 2 assholes.” "Are you serious? the policeman asked. “Oh yes,” he replied, “we’ve never actually seen them but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, hey there’s Joe with those 2 assholes.”
I cannot moderate myself at all. It’s either I don’t take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions decisions… Bleach solves so many problems, Staines, Dirty dishes, messes, and over population
Person A: cmon person B, just be happy, smile Person B: over my dead body Person B: gets the noose
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately? Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow
I will always remember my uncle’s last words, “What’s The Shovel For?”
A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid Man: Hang in there! Im gonna get some help! Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said
I’m like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside
why does a movie set say break a leg? because they have a CAST
Suicide is never the answer Suicide is the question The answer is yes
If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee. Expresso Expresso, no more depresso!
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