Dark Humor

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”. The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes. The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

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Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately? Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow

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What’s the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person? They both hang…

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Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it… at least Jesus didn’t get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

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What do you call a dog with no legs ? It doesn’t matter he isn’t coming to you.

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Person A: cmon person B, just be happy, smile Person B: over my dead body Person B: gets the noose

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I could never forget my grandfathers last words. “Stop shaking the ladd-”

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what did the rope and the tree say to the kid do you want to hang later

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whats the difference between a maze and a depressed life? one of them you can find a way out of

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I still remember my dad’s last words "don’t worry son, Allah will be pleased"

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Me and a person downtown. Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night. Me: I guess so. Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this? Me: I don’t know. I used too, but don’t anymore. Person: why’d you stop? Me: unfortunately, I lived every time I’d try something.

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When the people that see u Cry that doesn’t mean they miss u That mean they scared of yo Onion breath????

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I can measure the speed of an object. Because I want to km/s

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Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”? Because every scene has a cast!

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The most powerful thing in the world is babies. This is because they cry and get what every they want.

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