The best night of my life was when gave my virginity to wife and her last word was when she called me “Mommy” at the top of her lungs before I knocked her up ??.
Friend #1: “Whats your favourite thing about trees?” Friend #2: “Apples” Me: “I can hang myself in them.”
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”
did you fall from heaven? or did you fall from the cliff up there?
What happened when the emo kid tried to high 5 a tree? It left him hanging
What has two legs but can’t walk? Pants ??
why don’t you see elephants hiding in trees? Bc they’re good at it.
The depressed kid went to give a tree a high five… …but it left him hanging.
Me having a good day Going on a walk on a peaceful day* my depression: hey whats up! Me: go away. My depression: well how rude. Me: ??. My depression: remeber that one tim… Me: no, dont even. My depression: that we… Me: nope. My deprssion: says really fast:said that one stupid joke that wasnt funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilt water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like yoy do every single night. Me: ??????. My depression: ?? dont worry I’ll always be here for you.
I don’t call it suicide. I call it population control
Life is like a penis simple,soft,relaxed,and hanging free.until a woman comes around and makes it hard
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? – Because the cow has the udder.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better so i sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wifes broken leg.
i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”
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