Dark Humor

after a surgery, a man claimed he couldn’t feel his legs, i replied “OF COURSE NOT, I AMPUTATED YOUR f@ckING ARMS!”

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what do emos and the lorax have in common? they both hang with trees

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Person A: cmon person B, just be happy, smile Person B: over my dead body Person B: gets the noose

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i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom.

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Why is a orphan crying about its family? Because it cant “let it go”

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what did the suicidal kid say to the tree? dont leave me hanging

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So I’m banging the f@ck out of this slutty chick, right? And I’m thinking to myself, “She’s PROBABLY got AIDS.” So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I’m positive. This gets me thinking, “Where the f@ck does an eight year old get AIDS? !” “Who has my sister been hanging out with?!”

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They say I’ll mess up my insides, but I don’t have any.

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Q: what happened when the depressed kid wanted to high five the tree? A: It left him/her/them hanging

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If I was a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party and insomnia the little annoying sibling.

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So sad when the emo kid tried to give a high five to a tree To bad he left him hanging

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Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”. The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes. The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

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I saw my friend hang themselves my response was i guess they wanted to hang with someone

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“Hold my beer, watch this.”

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