I can measure the speed of an object. Because I want to km/s
You know people always say your life is worth it, but with me it’s worth-it-less
Dont say your life is a joke because jokes got meaning.
“I wasn’t that drunk yesterday.” “Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying.”
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says “What’s wrong?” The woman says “I’ve never been hugged before.” So, the man gives her a hug and walks away. The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says “What’s wrong, now?” The woman says “I’ve never been kissed before.” So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away. The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says “Oh, for Christ’s sake! What’s wrong, this time?!” The woman says “Well, I’ve never been f@cked before.” So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells “YOU’RE f@ckED!”
Friend #1: “Whats your favourite thing about trees?” Friend #2: “Apples” Me: “I can hang myself in them.”
Person: where do i commit sucide Dog: roof Person: good idea
I’ll never forget my grandma’s last words, “What are you doing in here with that hammer?”
They say people are 75% water But I’m 100% useless
If I went to walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they’re barcodes too.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you f@ck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR f@ckED NOW
I remember my grandfathers last words: Are you holding the ladder
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
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