Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " f@cking, f@ck,f@ck,f@ck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad’s in the kitchen f@cking the turkey.
Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly dissapointing
Me- crying in the shower Also me- why is my toaster in here?
people talking me asking whats the worst day in the year for them. Person 1: The first day of school cause i don’t like going to school Person 2: Valentines day cause its to lovey Me: oh nice mines my birthday cause its when i was born
I will always remember my uncle’s last words, “What’s The Shovel For?”
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it’s suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming parquor it’s a failed stunt.
When your sad don’t feel down about yourself break someone’s leg and laugh.
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you” Person I’m talking to: Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline “haha what”
Why did the Chinese woman hang up? Because she Wang the Wong number
what game does an emo love hang man
If I went to walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they’re barcodes too.
are you a rope? bc i wanna hang with you
Famous last words: “Don’t worry man, it’s not even loaded.”
I am a failure to everyone and decided to attemp a suicide, guess what? I failed
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”? Because every scene has a cast!
RUS | ENG
