Person: where do i commit sucide Dog: roof Person: good idea
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”. The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes. The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
why does a leaf fall faster thanan emo kid because the emo hang itself
I wont ever Forget my dads last words: “OH GOD THE POLICE!!!”
yo mama so ugly she made happy meals cry
i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”
What’s the difference between a man and a table. The table doesn’t cry when I break it’s legs
I’ll never forget my aunt’s last words before she died “can you stop shaking the latter please”
What do you call a cow that has two legs shorter on one side of its body compared to the other? LEAN BEEF!
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, “Honey put down the knife we were only talking about getting a divorce.”
What did the rope say to me? “hey there man, you wanna hang later?”
What made me laugh? The fact that my life is a joke:")
If I went to walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they’re barcodes too.
I still remember my grandpas last words Stop shaking the damn ladder
I’ll never forget my bosses last words: " We shall serve the best meat in our burgers! "
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