A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out. “Oh no, Tom’s an idiot, what did he name my daughter?” she asked the nurse. “Denise.” “That’s not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?” “Tom Junior.”
Q: What’s the difference between me and cancer? A: My dad didn’t beat cancer…
She was only a potato chip manufacturer "s daughter - by she was Frito Lay!
So a daughter goes to her dad and says “daddy can I borrow the car?” He the tells her “you know what to do”. So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust and says “ugh tastes like shit” her dad then said “damn I forgot your brother took the car”
Dad: "if they jumped off a bridge would you?" Tommy: “yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!”
I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said “how sick?”. I said “well I’m in bed with my 12 year old sister”.
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn’t real Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk
A little boy got the homework that he had to learn the four first letters of the alphabet. He went to his mother, who was knitting and had hurt herself. He asked her what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she said a swear word. He wen’t to his brother, who was playing with a superman, and asked what the second letter of the alphabet was, and he answered ‘SUPERMAN!!!’. Then he went to his little sister, and asked what the third letter of the alphabet was, and given the fact that she was playing with Barbies, she said "in the barbie dream house! Then he went to his father who was watching a soccer game, and his team just scored, so when he asked what the fourth letter of the alphabet was, he said ‘Ole Ole Ole!!!’. The next day at school, the teacher asked the little boy what the first four letters of the alphabet were. He said the swear word. ‘WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOUNG MAN!!!’, the teacher boomed. ‘Superman’, the boy replied. ‘WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!?!’, the teacher continued. ‘In the Barbie Dream House’ ‘GO TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE! !!’ ‘OLE OLE OLE OLE!’, the boy chanted on his was down the hall.
i cought my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad. Q:What did the elephant say to the naked man? A:How do you breathe through that little thing?
Girl: How do you feel about abortion? Dad: Ask your sister Girl: I don’t have a …
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh.
My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex. Just this morning she asked me “is that the best you can do?”
Kid:what is between moms legs? Dad:paridise. Kid whats between you legs? Dad:the key to paridise. Kid:well uou better change the lock the neighbor has the key to.
Sometimes i feel ugly, then i think of my sister and feel better
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