My mom is the jelly and my dad is the peanut butter And I am the bread the only thin keeping them together.
My Mom said: I have a daughter that killed herself for getting bullied. Well i said: Have you seen her?
Brother: I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help Sister: that’s my fu__ing electric toothbrush Brother: oh, well the offer still stands. So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”
y do orphans eat cereal with water there dad did not come back with the milk
Daughter: Dad Dad: Yes honey Daughter: Im Lesbian Dad: Ok Daughter 2: Dad Dad: Yes? Daughter 2: Im lesbian too Dad: GOD does anyone like boys around here Son: I do…
A cat gets its tail run over, and it’s mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!” The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!” Guess who dies next.
I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy was my wife mad. She yelled “HOW CAN YOU F… OUR DAUGHTER?!”. Haha yeah she was mad. Anyways thats why your mother and I are getting a divorce Timmy.
%%Dad: “Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?” Son: “Nah, mostly men.” Dad: “Do you think you’d be comfortable telling that to a judge in court…”
I love you Hebrew john
Son : "Dad, Are we pyromaniacs ?" Dad : "Yes, we arson
So I’m banging the f@ck out of this slutty chick, right? And I’m thinking to myself, “She’s PROBABLY got AIDS.” So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I’m positive. This gets me thinking, “Where the f@ck does an eight year old get AIDS? !” “Who has my sister been hanging out with?!”
Best friend: dude your sister is hot i’d Hit that Me: already did SWEEETT HOMMEE ALABAMA
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct
Daughter: mommy what ever happened to Steven hawking? Mother: he died. Daughter: how did he die? Mother: he never got recharged.
A son walks up to his dad and says "Dad! I just had sex for the first time." The dad goes "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it? “ The son says "I cant sit right now, my butt is very sore.”
RUS | ENG
