Life is a try not to kill yourself challenge.
what makes a nuke and divorce the same? it only takes one of each to end your life.
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.
Remember kids, when you’re angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they’ll really be living the hard knock life.
I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better… But now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
my happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my h.i.v test w/out studying
im not suicidal im just speedrunning life
My mom trying to get me to do dishes Mom: I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes. Me: Why did you? Mom: I was very drunk… Explains a lot…
What did Earth say to the other planets? – “You guys have no life!”
There’s a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, “People need me for my medical skills.” grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, “People need me for my intelligence.” grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, “I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute.” The nerd says, “Don’t worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack.”
1 your so dumb you thing Cheerios are donut seeds! Your so fat you could sell shade! Your just like coconut water, nobody likes you! 4 you been shopping lately because there selling lives around the corner, you should go get one! If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence !! Are these good
What’s the difference between a knife and my life? A knife has a point.
In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common? They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.
Chuck Norris has been to Mars…that’s why there is no signs of life there.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.
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