A priest is drowning in a river… A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.” The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said "leave me alone, god will save me. " The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked god "why didn’t you save me. " God said "I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn’t take them! "
What’s the opposite of an exorcism? It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.
What’s the difference between a Catholic Priest and a pedophile? One is Catholic
One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. “What’s in the box?”, the priest asks. “Christian kittens”, the little girl answers. Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way. A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. “Ask her what she has in the box”, he says, “It’s the cutest thing!” The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. “Atheist kittens”, she says. The priest rushes forward and says "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were “Christian kittens! !!” “They were”, she says. “Now their eyes are open”.
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common - They both like fairies sitting on them.
I was raised a Catholic and my priest told me when I was 12, “God is watching you when you masturbate”. I said, “Is God a pedophile too, Father?”
Baptism, a chance for the priest to bathe you.
What is different about priests and acne. Acne waits until your 13 to cum on your face
Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.” The priest says “No you are not my son.” The man says " Follow me. " The man walks into the bar and the bartender says “Jesus Christ your back!”
What to gift a child molester , who already has everything ? A bigger county with more believers
What does a priest and a wristwatch have in common? - they both start at 12.
What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common? They both like to dump their loads into little kids.
A little girl beinng Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” Priest: “What did you do Child?” Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.” Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?” Girl: “Because he touched my hand.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he touched my breast.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch. ” Girl: “But father he had AIDS!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
What’s the difference between a peanut and a priest? With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.
Three sons left home, went out into the world and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they’d given to their elderly mum. ‘I built a big house for our mum,’ said the first. ‘I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur,’ said the second. And the third smiled and said, ‘I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren’t so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it.’ A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son, ‘The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house.’ To the second son she said, ‘I’m far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I’ve hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude.’ To the third son she wrote ‘Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!’
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