I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s a whole sentence
I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Last night I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!
How do trees get online? – They just log in.
I would tell you a construction pun, but I’m still working on it
Why do bees have sticky hair They always use honeycombs
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester! :D
I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized, it was a waist of time!
RIP boiling water. You will be mist. There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.
Why did the library book go to the doctor? – It needed to be checked out.
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