Smoking jokes

to the lock. because communication is key. %% What does a spy do when he’s cold? He goes under cover. %% Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won’t open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.” %% My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice i called it cold hard cash %% Why don’t mountains catch colds? They wear snow caps. %% you %% A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: “You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live. If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.” Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: “He said, ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.’” %% Yoo mama so stupid she tried to stop the cold war with a heater %% How do you stay warm in a cold room? You go to the corners. It’s always 90 degrees %% Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she’s cold? – Because it’s 90 degrees. %% Hell in Greek Times was known as cold and misty… so now just look at Seattle. %% A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, “now were not even allowed to do that.” %% in normal country they have lemonade in soviet russia they have Leninade “refresh yourself with a cold war.” %% Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face and he asks her “why are you rubbing that stuff on your face mother?” His mother replies “to make myself beautiful Johnny.” A few minutes later she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her “What is the matter? Are you giving up?” %% Why did the cow jump over the moon? Because the farmer had cold hands! %% One dark stormy night when i was 8 years old I woke up in the middle of the night busting to pee, half asleep i walked down the stairs and toward the bathroom and heard a strange whirring sound that sounded like a ghost. When I opened the door i felt a strange cool breeze and the light came on automatically and the ghostly sound stopped, terrified I did what I had to and went back to bed. The next 3 nights the same thing happened and finally i decided i had to tell my mom no matter how hard to believe it sounded. The next night I woke up I went into my parents room and woke my mom up and said, “you have to come with me and see this it’s really important,” Half asleep she murmured, "oh what is it can’t it wait until the morning?’ I pleaded, “no you have to come see, our bathroom is haunted by a ghost when I go in the middle of the night I can hear a ghost sound then when i open the door I feel the cold as it swoops through me and the light comes on automatically.” She yawned and said, “oh so that’s who’s been peeing in the refrigerator.” %% Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they’re happy. They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.” Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing. “Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!” Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!” They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!” Why do hospitals have fans? To keep the vegetables fresh and cold. %% A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says “We are in Germany.” The others ask, “How do you know,” the German says, “Because it’s so cold.” Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says “We are in Australia,” the others ask “How do you know,” he replies “Because it’s so warm.” Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico," the others ask “How do you know,” he says " Because my watch is gone" %% What cannibals call a person that is running? Fast Food %% why would the chicken not cross the road? Beacuse its to old.(the joke is old) (the nchicken is old) %% guess what song this is from: I’LL CUT YOU INTO LITTLE BITTY PIECES OR FREEZE YOU TILL YOUR BLOOD RUNS COLD OR STAB YOUR TIL’ YOU HEART STOPS PUMPING I’M HERE TO REALIZE YOUR WISH FROM WHAT I’M TOLD %% Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello on the other side. %% What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most? The “cold and passed out” kind. %% What do you get when you cross a cold wind with a feather? A brrrrrrrr-d! %% What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder %% There’s a man crawling through the desert. He’d decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn’t get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here. He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he’d paid attention to the sun and thought he’d figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he’d be back to the small town he’d gotten gas in last. He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he’s afraid that he’ll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he’d had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right. He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he’s really thirsty. He’s been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He’s reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it’s mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst. He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark. By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he’s been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn’t recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn’t remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he’s close, and that after dark he’ll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that’ll be all he needs. As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights. Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars. He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they’re full of sand. He so thirsty that he can’t even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He’d forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn’t noticed it the night before because he’d been in his car. He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn’t the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day. He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He’s not sure. He’ll go a little farther, and if he still doesn’t find water, he’ll try drinking some of the fluid. Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do. Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking. As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you’re in trouble - usually right before heat stroke. He decides that it’s time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can’t wait any longer - if he passes out, he’s dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, and takes the bottle. “BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!!!” %% What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?? A cold shoulder %% It was so cold out today believe it or not, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets! %% Knock knock. Who’s there? Atch. Atch who? Sorry you are sneezing. Have you got a cold? %% is necrophilia considered cracking open a cold one? %% Do you know warrior cats? I heard Hawkfrost is Cold. %% Most annoying thing… When we send something in What’s app thinking our friend is online but can only see two grey ticks… %% Why are colds such bad robbers? – Because they’re so easy to catch. %% So my friend and I went camping at a Cold lake Campground and he jumped into it, without any warning, and so I asked him Wat-er you doing %% What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it’s over your head! Q: How many letters are in The Alphabet? A: There are 11 letters in The Alphabet Report Ad Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy) Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle) Q: David’s father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and ? A: David! Report Ad Q: If you were in a ra %% Why is it always cold in the hospital? to keep the vegetables fresh. Why was it cold in Stephen hawkings house? Because he had a new window open… %% Colder than the conversation between a fat guy and a Super Model… %% What did the iceberg say to the firefighter? Come close and i’ll knock you out cold %% what can u catch but not throw? … . . . … … … … … . . … … … … Ook. a cold! %% Two Trojan warriors were patrolling the streets of Troy at night. It was finally time for their duties to be relived. When they went back to their houses, one Trojan fell in a puddle. Nitrogen! The other called. And the other responded coldly, “Good nigh-“ %% Dark jokes are like Antarctica The’re cold %% What did Sushi ‘A’ say to Sushi ‘B’? -Wassaaaa…B %% Orphan jokes protest Anonymous Orphan jokes are just funny so stop trying to ruin our fun! Comments: Gwen: Stop! It is not funny. Orphans are just out their cold, weak, and need someone! And the jokes are not funny! Shut up: Shut up! Liv: Gwen stop!! Gwen: SHUT UP BITCH!!! %% What happens to a cannibal who shows up late for dinner? He gets the cold shoulder. %% One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately it was light beer. %% What does the cannibal eat who comes late for dinner? The cold shoulder %% If you ever get cold just go to a corner because they usually 90 degrees. %% why was the stadium so cold? Because of all its fans! %% Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy) Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle) Q: David’s father had three %% What makes it cold ?? in a room? Air conditioning %% I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff %% There are two cows in a field. One says to the other “I’m cold. Are you cold?” The other cow says “Yeah I’m Fresian”. %% Ice cold coffee? Coll beans! %% When it’s cold outside men can cut ice in 3 places %% A good bath is like a dead lover. You can enjoy them, that is until they get too cold. it’s so cold, i mist to bring my jacket %% What’s cold, blue and makes women cry? Cot death. %% Texas be like its cold over here over here %% One time a kid came to the hospital and said “I really need help”, the kid said he was really hot so the put an ice cold towel on him. Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems and he said “yes I am really hot” and the doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said “are you sure, you look amazing” and the kid said that he ment to say I look hot! %% when is a cold not a cold? %% What does a bar fly and a Necrophiliac have in common? They both enjoy a Cold one once in awhile. %% what’s gassy and as cold as ice. ur-anus %% when you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove but you realize both the doctor’s hands are on your shoulders %% Why are hospitals always freezing? They need to keep the vegetables cold. %% If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. There usually 90^! %% Orphans are human too! They have parents like all of us, so I don’t know why they’re saying it’s fun to make fun of an orphan. Have you ever been too cold and wondered if your parents are going to have another child and not you? That’s not funny! It is% 9000,000 NO !!! %% Q.Why do Skeletons hate the cold A. It sends chills up there spine %% Why did the skeleton never get cold? Because it went right through him %% A blonde crashes a airplane Officer: could you please explain to me what happened? Woman: It got so cold in the plane I turned the fan off. Officer: face palms self Also officer: Here’s you sign %% I picked up a document and I started to feel cold. I looked down at the document and it read DRAFT. %% I love autumn ?? %% What do you call a ride that drops 180 degrees? Cold as hell %% SOn:hey dad im cold can you give me a lift from work Dad:Hi cold, Nice to meet you sorry i dont pick up strangers Son:I hate you %% They call it the Cold War because Russia is cold in 2 ways. your forehead so big if you fell you would knock out your state cold %% Did you hear about the cannibal that came home late? His wife gave him the cold shoulder. %% Ok now I’m not good at telling jokes but this 1 is not to bad 1 cunt said to anothrr cunt do you get cold at night f@ck no cunt the 1 st cunt said why I have a built in set of verticlal currains to keep the cold out cunt xx %% Two kids are out in the cold, with downpours of snow erupting from the clouds. One of the kids says something. Can we build a snowman that is going through puberty? The other kid says something else. Yes. It sounds cool. After a while, the snowman was finished, and some words jut out of the first kid’s mouth: Wow! Look at that snowman! It’s got hair all over. But I think it’s missing something though. The other kid jumps a little and begins speaking. Oh, I know what it is! After a while, a body part made of a carrot and two cucumbers appears on the snowman’s crotch. It is a penis and a ballsack. The first kid speaks. Icy what you did there. The other kid replies. Good thing I didn’t slip up there. The first kid replies. Well, that’s snow problem. The other kid then uttered this: These puns would make the most frigid individual crack-up. The first kid then says: I know, right? They then begin a snowball fight. The other kid then says: Only the men have snowballs! %% A man takes a boy into the woods boy says Boy: Mister I’m scared and it’s dark and cold The Man: How do you think I feel I’m walking out here alone %% So i was laying in bed and jt winter do my room is aleays cold cause the heater doesnt work. And i was thinking… It would be warmer if someone else was laying here with me… Then i layghed cause who would wanna be with me. Hahaha %% Why did the orphan jump into the burning building? It was to cold because they did not have a home. %% What do you call a kid that’s cold and his name is war cold war %% Knock knock whos their. Cold. Cold who? “It is cold out here” %% -Dude, What is your favorite rapper? -He is very cold blooded -Why? -He is Ice Cube %% (This format is probably easier to read) -Dude, What is your favorite rapper? -He is very cold blooded -Why? -He is Ice Cube %% uranus is cold %% Why did sallys pizza get cold, because she has no arms. %% I wanna go to Antarctica, but then I got cold feet. %% They say the polar ice caps are melting, good because my wife’s a fat cold bitch. %% why do mountains are very cold. because they are very cold. %% What is the difference between %% A guy once went hunting at a Hunting Ranch owned by a Hunter and his Wife .After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in Rancher’s Living-room .There they were having a grand ole until the Rancher’s wife walks in .The Hunter looks at her and says “that’s a nice piece of ass you got your self there”,The Rancher replied “(with a harsh southern accent from years of cigarette smoke)You’ve never been so right in your life ,honey why don’t show our guest your tits”,.She agrees and then shows the hunter her plump DD cup breast.After he gets a good gander he says “Nice”,then Rancher shouted “show em yer peker now Hon”,.She agreed and whipped out a 13inch Johny ,and twirled it around like how an Elephant would move his .Now dazed and confused the Hunter yells out “What in Sam Hill is that!!”,and the Rancher replied “Now…Lemme tell you…There ain’t a thing like it”. %% what are mountains so cold?? your muom lol %% So today is my birthday today am 13 but yesterday am going to turn 10.but am not even go to school to know the number ten becuase one time at 10 pm in the morning it was so cold in in my hot room so I want outside to drive my car to drive my car. But I stopped becuase the light turn green.i was talking a bath in the front of my car out it didn’t have bin so am taking a sh$t %% I guy once went hunting at a Hunting Ranch .After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in Rancher’s Living-room .There they were having a grand ole time then the Ranchers wife walks in .The Hunter says “that’s a nice piece of ass you got your self there”,The Rancher replied “(harsh raspy Southern chuckle from years of Marlboro reds)You’ve never been so right in your life ,honey why don’t show our guest your tits”,.She agrees and shows the hunter her plump DD cup breast.The Hunter says “Nice”,then Rancher said show em yer peker now.She agreed and whipped out a 13 in Johny .Dazed and confused the Hunter says “What in Sam Hill is that! !”,and the Rancher replied “Now…Lemme tell you…There ain’t a thing like it”.