I was watching my daughter play at the park, a woman came up to me and asked which one was mine, I said I was still choosing.
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car.
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to. He says to the first one "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny" He says to the second one "You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy" Then the third one whispers to her son “Come on Dick, lets go.”
rmm
If depression is going to be my girlfriend. Will she leave me?
Jon said:What do you call a pregnant woman? Mike said: I don’t know what? Jon said: kinder surprise
Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!” So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! Howd you know! ?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “what do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed. Most women can’t pull off sarcasm
A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What’s got you down" The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?” The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women? " The man says “My wife does.”
Women are like dogs… “Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?” “Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? ” “I’ll wait right here… I’ll wait right here… I’ll wait right here…” SHOES
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’
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