3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot them, he walked out in shame and said he couldn’t do it. The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn’t pull the trigger so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, “The gun wasn’t loaded, I had to strangle the bitch.”
Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room. My father is like Houdini, when he heard his girlfriend was pregnant he disappeared.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
The cops are still searching for my wife’s killer. Luckily I already fled the country.
A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick, but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. – I’m doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
When your girlfriend has an abortion, it’s kinda like dodging your own bullets.
Only one of Kenny’s girlfriends has ever said he’s good in bed. But she has to. She’s his mom.
My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly. So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard she turned Christian.
How do you know when you girlfriend is to young ? you have to make airoplane noises to get her to open her mouth… sorry
I know a woman who owns a taser. – She’s stunning!
%% %%It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat? ’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
I took my girlfriend out the other day… Man do I love being a sniper.
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