What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes his butt.
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.
What’s the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you’re super annoying and won’t shut up.
My girlfriend is a porn star. – She will kill me if she finds out.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. – I’m doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!
The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”
i like my woman like i like my coffee in a big sack on top of donkey
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry. Onions was a good dog.
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back
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