My girlfriend treats me like God. – She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry. Onions was a good dog.
A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she know, She’s 7
There was a cannibal who had a wife and (eight) kids.
I asked my girlfriend if he wanted to join my family tree… She dropped the rope and ran
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car.
A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind
Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. – But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My wife is like a mirror I can never look at it
%% %%It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat? ’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you? Take her wheel chair, she’ll come crawling back.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg
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