Two friends who’ve been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday. The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, “If she doesn’t like the card I got her, then she can go f@ck herself!”
My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly. So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset
The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available. One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier
What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”
A woman went out on a date and said “I’m thirty one with the body of a sixteen year old” the man responded “wanna show me???” the woman took him back to her house and opened her freezer and said, “take a look”
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window… If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
my girlfriend dumped me today apparently I don’t stand up for her in fights I don’t care she use to push me around all the time
Husband: Hay honey words can’t describe how beautiful you are. Wife: aww thanks Husband:But numbers can 0 out of 10
What’s the difference between a nun and a woman in a bath tub? One’s got hope in her soul, the others got soap in her hole.
Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he’s too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck
Why do orphans make the best girlfriends? Because They don’t need permission from their Parents
%% %%It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat? ’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
I keep looking for my girlfriends killer but no one wants to do it.
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