Woman jokes

Two friends who’ve been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday. The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, “If she doesn’t like the card I got her, then she can go f@ck herself!”

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My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking so I brought home some tampons

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A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months she woke. She asked the doctor “hows the baby?” “You had twins” the doctor replied. “Your brother named them” the woman said *oh no not my brother what did he call them?" “He called the girl Denise” “what about the boy” the woman asked the doctor said “denephew”

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I know a woman who owns a taser. – She’s stunning!

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Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

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Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”. The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes. The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

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Wife:Honey im pregnant Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad Wife:No you’re not

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What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes his butt.

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Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila

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Flippity floppity women are property

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why did the orphan not have a girlfriend? because he thought that she would leave him to.

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A : Whats the similarity between your girlfriend and the Sun? B : They’re both hot? A : They’re both massive.

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So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

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my boyfriend accused me of cheating. i told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.

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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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