My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me. The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment. With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend. She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.
Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. not everyone gets it
Most states: “It’s ok, it won’t be awkward. We’re still friends.” Alabama: “She didn’t wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she’ll still be my sister.”
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.
I keep looking for my girlfriends killer but no one wants to do it.
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won’t stop complaining about their mom whats the difference between a lightbulb and a preganant woman you can unscrew the lightbulb
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
A kid tell me he was gonna f$&k my mom on Fortnite! So I toldhim I was gonna double pump his mom untill she was wet like moisty meyers like if your not A GAY dislike if your furry repost if you HATE blacks omment for VBUCKS sub to me on youtube its my friend and he has aids send himjoeide53rygq2ej/le nb rfcshsu 3nurtv N3Q5UERIUGWTC7w2VWGYEHIWAWASERYAANFYINSIDEFREHJOBUGFUYWUSGRFYDIDYFRG911
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
School Bully: How’s your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don’t have any! Me: How’s your parents? Oh wait, you don’t have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage
My wife is like a mirror I can never look at it
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy’s clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started…”. The mother cuts him off and says “just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting “I’m leaving you… Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer.”
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking so I brought home some tampons
RUS | ENG
