A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited. However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium. So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field. He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken. The man replies, “No.” The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?” The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.” “Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you? ” “No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!” So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! Howd you know! ?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”
When I was a kid I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’ The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then? ’ And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Girlfriend: you remind me of a cellphone Ex Boyfriend: how and why? Girlfriend: Because your about to die
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging. – Took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
I took my girlfriend out the other day… Man do I love being a sniper.
RUS | ENG
