Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window… If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s a woman.
I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk (goes to the store grabs milk) as I grab the milk I thought hey I bet I can repeat her life twice
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back
Billy: spits out food Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths. Dad: looks at mom Mom: Shut up If you get you get it
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months she woke. She asked the doctor “hows the baby?” “You had twins” the doctor replied. “Your brother named them” the woman said *oh no not my brother what did he call them?" “He called the girl Denise” “what about the boy” the woman asked the doctor said “denephew”
A man boards a plane with six children of various ages. After the plane takes off, a woman sitting sitting behind the man asks him, “are all of them yours?” “No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’ The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then? ’ And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me. The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment. With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited. However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium. So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field. He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken. The man replies, “No.” The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?” The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.” “Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you? ” “No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
Guy starts chatting to pretty woman at a party Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name. “Carmen,” she replied. That’s a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, “Who named you, your mother?” "No, I named myself, she answered. “Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?” “Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said looking directly into his eyes. “So what’s your name?” she asked. ‘BJ Titsngolf’
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the f@cking autopsy!”
Me and my wife were out at dinner me being 48 and her being 19, people where screaming at us and calling me a creep. It realy ruined our 10th anniversary
its only ok to beat up an dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say your hair smells nice I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
Girlfriend: am I pretty or ugly? Boyfriend: your both! Girlfriend: what do you mean by that? Boyfriend: your pretty ugly!!!
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