My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. – I’m doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
Me at the Oscars when i see Jada Pinkett Smith, me, I said: “G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I Jada 2, can’t wait to see it” So will smith is laughing and then suddenly, Suddenly Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigcka Smith goes: “KEEP MY WIFE’S NAME OUT OF YOUR f@ckING MOUTH! ” Me: “Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers”
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What do u call a woman who says she can do anything a man can do? Wrong
I have a girlfriend.
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’ The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said. The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”
My wife thinks i’m immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.
Billy: spits out food Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths. Dad: looks at mom Mom: Shut up If you get you get it
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we’ve all kicked a pregnant woman before we where even born. the doctor says to the woman there was good and bad news. the woman says she wants the bad news first the doctor says the bad news is the baby had red hair. then he said the good news is it is dead.
Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector
Why do orphans make the best girlfriends? Because They don’t need permission from their Parents
What’s the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
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