My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car.
One day I got home and told my girlfriend “I cheated on you.” she replied with “F**k you” I then said “But you won’t, that’s why I cheated on you.”
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”
A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
The cops are still searching for my wife’s killer. Luckily I already fled the country.
Only one of Kenny’s girlfriends has ever said he’s good in bed. But she has to. She’s his mom.
Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line he comes across a woman who Isn?’t saluting. ?Why are you not saluting like the others? ? Hitler barks. ?"Mein Fuhrer, I?m the nurse," she responds "I?m not crazy!?
Why did the Chinese woman hang up? Because she Wang the Wong number
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… But I laugh more. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Roast: What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One is hairy and smells like fish and the other is a walrus. Your welcome
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most? The “cold and passed out” kind.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. – I’m doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
My girlfriend treats me like God. – She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant. My name, my address and my phone number.
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