Woman jokes

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. – But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

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I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn’t giving birth the bloody car would not start .

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I asked my girlfriend if he wanted to join my family tree… She dropped the rope and ran

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Girlfriend: am I pretty or ugly? Boyfriend: your both! Girlfriend: what do you mean by that? Boyfriend: your pretty ugly!!!

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A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”

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its only ok to beat up an dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say your hair smells nice I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

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I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg

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The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available. One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier

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why is there no woman on the moon? because it doesnt need to be cleaned

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One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk and he says "I went to a party with my girlfriend and this random guy walks up to us and says can I borrow your girlfriend for a 30 minutes I say yes and he takes her up stairs. It was not only 30 minutes but a hour. When she came back down she was out of breath so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation.this happens about 3 more times that night. But as I was saying only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys ????

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I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard she turned Christian.

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A : Whats the similarity between your girlfriend and the Sun? B : They’re both hot? A : They’re both massive.

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Two girls have a sleepover. Karen: Let’s go to bed. Lauren:Fine, but it’s early. *Karen wakes up and exits room" Lauren hears noise Mikey: Your so much better than my girlfriend Karen. Lauren: laughs Lauren: remembers her boyfriend is Karen’s brother Mikey

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My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

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My wife told me pass her lip stck but i gave her a glue stick now she is not talking to me

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