I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset
“I’m not sure why my girlfriend’s father doesn’t like me.” “What was your first impression on him?” “I told him, she calls me daddy too.”
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. – But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!!
Husband: I bet you can’t say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time Wife: You have the biggest penis out of all your friends
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
my boyfriend accused me of cheating. i told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited. However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium. So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field. He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken. The man replies, “No.” The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?” The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.” “Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you? ” “No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
Some trans “woman” came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.
My ex-wife still misses me… BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN BETTER!
There are two siblings. A little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home. So they get to the bigger brothers house, and walk in his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.” The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, " can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.
why is there no woman on the moon? because it doesnt need to be cleaned
At the resturant, the waitress starts flirting with me. “She must have COVID,” my wife said. “Why?” I asked. “Cuz she clearly has no taste.” She responded.
Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.
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