A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!
Girlfriend: you remind me of a cellphone Ex Boyfriend: how and why? Girlfriend: Because your about to die
Why do orphans make the best girlfriends? Because They don’t need permission from their Parents
Only one of Kenny’s girlfriends has ever said he’s good in bed. But she has to. She’s his mom.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.
I keep looking for my girlfriends killer but no one wants to do it.
Wife:Honey im pregnant Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad Wife:No you’re not
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Stop and apply lubrication.
Wife: (on phone) hi Husband: hey I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. – If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. – But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become. On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again. “Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
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