So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”
Only one of Kenny’s girlfriends has ever said he’s good in bed. But she has to. She’s his mom.
Women are like dogs… “Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?” “Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? ” “I’ll wait right here… I’ll wait right here… I’ll wait right here…” SHOES
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! Thats not going to help! ” She said. “Sure it does.” he said. “Its the only way i can see the numbers.”
A woman comes to the doctors an says ‘doctor, I think I have cancer’ the doctor checks it out ‘it’s all in your head’ the doctor says ‘phew’ said the woman, ‘a bunch of tumors, all in your head’
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
When I was a kid I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either
Jon said:What do you call a pregnant woman? Mike said: I don’t know what? Jon said: kinder surprise
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room. My father is like Houdini, when he heard his girlfriend was pregnant he disappeared.
like if you have a boyfriend girlfriend or husband or wife or a crush.
Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”
RUS | ENG
