I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My girlfriend called me a bot in fortnite, so I called her sandwich maker 3000
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive! My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair Guess who came crawling back
My girlfriend is 19 and I’m 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed. It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary
Women are like dogs… “Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?” “Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? ” “I’ll wait right here… I’ll wait right here… I’ll wait right here…” SHOES
What’s the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
I comforted my friend about his wife’s death: until I found out who did it.
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!
3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot them, he walked out in shame and said he couldn’t do it. The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn’t pull the trigger so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, “The gun wasn’t loaded, I had to strangle the bitch.”
Me: Are you okay? Dentist: I’m just a bit surprised. When I said to you “spit it out” I wasn’t expecting you to say you’ve been shagging my wife.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry. Onions was a good dog.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
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