%% %%It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat? ’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
One day I got home and told my girlfriend “I cheated on you.” she replied with “F**k you” I then said “But you won’t, that’s why I cheated on you.”
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labour, the doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father, they agree so the machine is used, 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not felling anything, 100%, nothing. The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy’s clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started…”. The mother cuts him off and says “just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting “I’m leaving you… Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer.”
A woman walks into a doctor’s office. She schedules an appointment and sits down it the waiting room. Whem it’s her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they’re unlike anything he’s heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, ‘Well I have good news and bad news.’ The woman says, ‘I’ll hear the good news first please. ’ The doctor replies ‘The good news is we’re naming a disease after you!’
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Have u ever noticed When a woman is pregnant aII her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “weII done”
My wife is like a mirror I can never look at it
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
i like my woman like i like my coffee in a big sack on top of donkey
FIRST DATE man: i work with animals every day woman: oh how sweet! what is it that you do? man: im a butcher…
Q: What did the skeleton say when he proposed to his girlfriend? A: Will you marrow me?
“I’m not sure why my girlfriend’s father doesn’t like me.” “What was your first impression on him?” “I told him, she calls me daddy too.”
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
RUS | ENG
