I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry. Onions was a good dog.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
%% %%It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat? ’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
Woman one: I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell! Woman two: Did that work? Woman one: Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house.
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb You can unscrew a light bulg
Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.
Tell someone to look in their shirt and spell attic hehe
Last halloween i went dressed as a woman. When i rang the doorbell an elderly woman opened and i made grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands. She immediately called the police and told them excactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First he asked are your parents here and i said nothing. Concerned by my answer he then asked if i was ok so i said nothing. He asked me what my name and i responded, "Hellen Keller.
Me: Are you okay? Dentist: I’m just a bit surprised. When I said to you “spit it out” I wasn’t expecting you to say you’ve been shagging my wife.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. – I didn’t want to interrupt her. A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3… The boy said, “Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she’s in Grade 4”. The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some
Stage 4 cancer is like a woman you can’t beat it but if you do she’ll probably come back again A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she’s away. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead. The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, “You can’t tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn’t get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day you could have said that she died from complications.” The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, “Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can’t get down …”
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back
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