When your girlfriend has an abortion, it’s kinda like dodging your own bullets.
Have u ever noticed When a woman is pregnant aII her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “weII done”
Husband: I bet you can’t say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time Wife: You have the biggest penis out of all your friends
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.
Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!” So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! Howd you know! ?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes his butt.
Me: Are you okay? Dentist: I’m just a bit surprised. When I said to you “spit it out” I wasn’t expecting you to say you’ve been shagging my wife.
When I was a kid I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench. After the game the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it!” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?” She said, “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!”
Only one of Kenny’s girlfriends has ever said he’s good in bed. But she has to. She’s his mom.
Me and my wife were out at dinner me being 48 and her being 19, people where screaming at us and calling me a creep. It realy ruined our 10th anniversary
A woman comes to the doctors an says ‘doctor, I think I have cancer’ the doctor checks it out ‘it’s all in your head’ the doctor says ‘phew’ said the woman, ‘a bunch of tumors, all in your head’
The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we’ve all kicked a pregnant woman before we where even born. the doctor says to the woman there was good and bad news. the woman says she wants the bad news first the doctor says the bad news is the baby had red hair. then he said the good news is it is dead.
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