A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months she woke. She asked the doctor “hows the baby?” “You had twins” the doctor replied. “Your brother named them” the woman said *oh no not my brother what did he call them?" “He called the girl Denise” “what about the boy” the woman asked the doctor said “denephew”
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
I see some objects over there… oh never mind, that’s a woman.
The doctor says “your wife is PREGNENT” the man says that he used a condom and the doctor says "ya but I didn’t
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called “Lenin in Poland.” When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin’s wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. “But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin? ” Asks one of the guests. “Lenin is in Poland,” replies the painter.
Wife: (on phone) hi Husband: hey I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you’re super annoying and won’t shut up.
wha can you tella dog, but not your girlfriend…? come
My ex-wife still misses me… BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN BETTER!
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes) What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead. 4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
School Bully: How’s your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don’t have any! Me: How’s your parents? Oh wait, you don’t have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage
My girlfriend called me a bot in fortnite, so I called her sandwich maker 3000
Some trans “woman” came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
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