Woman jokes

nearly 40% of the world have been in a relationship; the 60% are worstjokesever.com users

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

A elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game The man asks "Is it your first time? " The woman replies “It’s been a while since a man has asked me that.”

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car.

Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he’s too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck

My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.

i like my woman like i like my coffee in a big sack on top of donkey

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.

Wife: (on phone) hi Husband: hey I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

%% %%It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat? ’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won’t open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer. " Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”

A woman went out on a date and said “I’m thirty one with the body of a sixteen year old” the man responded “wanna show me???” the woman took him back to her house and opened her freezer and said, “take a look”