I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk (goes to the store grabs milk) as I grab the milk I thought hey I bet I can repeat her life twice
you can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes) What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead. 4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. – I’m doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!
A woman walks into a doctor’s office. She schedules an appointment and sits down it the waiting room. Whem it’s her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they’re unlike anything he’s heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, ‘Well I have good news and bad news.’ The woman says, ‘I’ll hear the good news first please. ’ The doctor replies ‘The good news is we’re naming a disease after you!’
The cops are still searching for my wife’s killer. Luckily I already fled the country.
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking so I brought home some tampons
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late. The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.” The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did you get any head?” The guy replies, “No, I couldn’t find it.”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
“I’m not sure why my girlfriend’s father doesn’t like me.” “What was your first impression on him?” “I told him, she calls me daddy too.”
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you’re super annoying and won’t shut up.
"I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,"the woman told her dentist. He replied, “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.”
i cought my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.
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