My wife thinks i’m immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.
Two girls have a sleepover. Karen: Let’s go to bed. Lauren:Fine, but it’s early. *Karen wakes up and exits room" Lauren hears noise Mikey: Your so much better than my girlfriend Karen. Lauren: laughs Lauren: remembers her boyfriend is Karen’s brother Mikey
Stage 4 cancer is like a woman you can’t beat it but if you do she’ll probably come back again A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she’s away. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead. The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, “You can’t tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn’t get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day you could have said that she died from complications.” The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, “Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can’t get down …”
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father. “It means ‘happy’,” replied the father. “Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?” “No, son, I have a wife.”
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… But I laugh more. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Little Johnny walked on into to his house.He heard a banging sound from up above and decied to investigate.He opened the door to his parents room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.
My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish. I started thrashing about and roared “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now” The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking so I brought home some tampons
Me: Are you okay? Dentist: I’m just a bit surprised. When I said to you “spit it out” I wasn’t expecting you to say you’ve been shagging my wife.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod
The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we’ve all kicked a pregnant woman before we where even born. the doctor says to the woman there was good and bad news. the woman says she wants the bad news first the doctor says the bad news is the baby had red hair. then he said the good news is it is dead.
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