My girlfriend treats me like God. – She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won’t stop complaining about their mom whats the difference between a lightbulb and a preganant woman you can unscrew the lightbulb
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!
I was watching my daughter play at the park, a woman came up to me and asked which one was mine, I said I was still choosing.
One day I told my wife that she drew her I brows too high, She looked surprised.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now” The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Why couldn’t the lizard get a girlfriend? Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking so I brought home some tampons
20 years of sex in the dark the wife find out he was using a dildo the wife get angry and says ?explain the dildo prick? the husband says ?explain the children bitch
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. – I’m doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.
What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
Flippity floppity women are property
Why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s a woman.
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