Hey what is the difference between a painting and a wife? Only the wife was hung up
Why do orphans make the best girlfriends? Because They don’t need permission from their Parents
A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands.” The Genie says “That is asking for quite a lot and I’m not sure if I can pull that off, Is there anything else you’d want?” The guy says "Well I’ve been married and divorced three times, and I just can’t understand what I’ve been doing wrong. I’ve given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women. The genie thinks for a few moments and says “Do you want a three or four lane highway?”
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work. Paddy agrees to tell Seamuswife the bad news. He knocks on the door and Seamus wife answers. " Whats happened Paddy?" Paddy frowns. " Im sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, im so sorry." She started to cry and asked paddy: " Did he at least die quickly? " Seamus shook his head, " No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.
My girlfriends last words I can’t wait to become a mom
Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he’s too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck
“I’m not sure why my girlfriend’s father doesn’t like me.” “What was your first impression on him?” “I told him, she calls me daddy too.”
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’ The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said. The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”
Why couldn’t the lizard get a girlfriend? Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
When your girlfriend has an abortion, it’s kinda like dodging your own bullets.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset
I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.
My wife is like a mirror I can never look at it
RUS | ENG
