When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room. My father is like Houdini, when he heard his girlfriend was pregnant he disappeared.
There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead. Matt, “Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife” Priest, “how so?” Matt, “We were together naked, but we didn’t do anything just rubbed each other, that’s all” Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box" Matt, “okay i promise not to see her again” Then Matt walks out the door Priest, “Hey I saw you! you didn’t put any money in the donation box!!” Matt, “Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in”
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called “Lenin in Poland.” When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin’s wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. “But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin? ” Asks one of the guests. “Lenin is in Poland,” replies the painter.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the f@cking autopsy!”
There are two siblings. A little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home. So they get to the bigger brothers house, and walk in his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.” The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, " can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.
My wife is like a mirror I can never look at it
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Stop and apply lubrication.
I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.
One day I got home and told my girlfriend “I cheated on you.” she replied with “F**k you” I then said “But you won’t, that’s why I cheated on you.”
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila
School Bully: How’s your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don’t have any! Me: How’s your parents? Oh wait, you don’t have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage
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