A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench. After the game the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it!” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?” She said, “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!”
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to. He says to the first one "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny" He says to the second one "You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy" Then the third one whispers to her son “Come on Dick, lets go.”
I comforted my friend about his wife’s death: until I found out who did it.
Your at your girlfriends house for a family dinner. Your GF says, " Daddy please pass me the salt." when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.
Me at the Oscars when i see Jada Pinkett Smith, me, I said: “G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I Jada 2, can’t wait to see it” So will smith is laughing and then suddenly, Suddenly Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigcka Smith goes: “KEEP MY WIFE’S NAME OUT OF YOUR f@ckING MOUTH! ” Me: “Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers”
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “what do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed. Most women can’t pull off sarcasm
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again
my girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex and I said what’s that, she said I f@ck her ass, I said oh my uncle calls that shhhhh
Why do orphans make the best girlfriends? Because They don’t need permission from their Parents
Do you know what’s the difference between a knife and a girl’s argument A knife has a point
one time i broke up with my roblox girlfriend by sending her a message, 30 seconds later i heard my uncle crying in the next room
A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant. My name, my address and my phone number.
I have a girlfriend.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she know, She’s 7
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