What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Stop and apply lubrication.
I took my girlfriend out the other day… Man do I love being a sniper.
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes his butt.
Boy: my girlfriend didn’t dump me, I dumped her… Off the nearby cliff
you can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
My girlfriend called me a bot in fortnite, so I called her sandwich maker 3000
What’s the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side
Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he’s too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck
A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
Wife: (on phone) hi Husband: hey I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most? The “cold and passed out” kind.
%% %%It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat? ’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now” The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
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