I know a woman who owns a taser. – She’s stunning!
Girlfriends are just like Ak47s they always go off on you.
Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he’s too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning? Because they don’t have balls.
Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector
A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands.” The Genie says “That is asking for quite a lot and I’m not sure if I can pull that off, Is there anything else you’d want?” The guy says "Well I’ve been married and divorced three times, and I just can’t understand what I’ve been doing wrong. I’ve given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women. The genie thinks for a few moments and says “Do you want a three or four lane highway?”
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg
I was watching my daughter play at the park, a woman came up to me and asked which one was mine, I said I was still choosing.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Me at the Oscars when i see Jada Pinkett Smith, me, I said: “G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I Jada 2, can’t wait to see it” So will smith is laughing and then suddenly, Suddenly Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigcka Smith goes: “KEEP MY WIFE’S NAME OUT OF YOUR f@ckING MOUTH! ” Me: “Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers”
Q: What did the skeleton say when he proposed to his girlfriend? A: Will you marrow me?
One day I told my wife that she drew her I brows too high, She looked surprised.
FIRST DATE man: i work with animals every day woman: oh how sweet! what is it that you do? man: im a butcher…
my girl is so cute when she sleeps I watch her all the time……………….tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time
my girlfriend dumped me today apparently I don’t stand up for her in fights I don’t care she use to push me around all the time
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