I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn’t giving birth the bloody car would not start .
What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant. My name, my address and my phone number.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Stop and apply lubrication.
Two friends who’ve been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday. The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, “If she doesn’t like the card I got her, then she can go f@ck herself!”
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day: Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you’re told. What’s the difference between your girlfriend and sister ? Nothing if your from Alabama
My girlfriend is a porn star. – She will kill me if she finds out.
I was watching my daughter play at the park, a woman came up to me and asked which one was mine, I said I was still choosing.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! Thats not going to help! ” She said. “Sure it does.” he said. “Its the only way i can see the numbers.”
A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’ The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then? ’ And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Why are we depressed, is it because that bully in your school, or that you have acne, how about when you listen to you sad song playlist, maybe cause you have no friends, Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake. T^T
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