My girlfriend treats me like God. – She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
Two girls have a sleepover. Karen: Let’s go to bed. Lauren:Fine, but it’s early. *Karen wakes up and exits room" Lauren hears noise Mikey: Your so much better than my girlfriend Karen. Lauren: laughs Lauren: remembers her boyfriend is Karen’s brother Mikey
I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.
A : Whats the similarity between your girlfriend and the Sun? B : They’re both hot? A : They’re both massive.
Only one of Kenny’s girlfriends has ever said he’s good in bed. But she has to. She’s his mom.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry. Onions was a good dog.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Stop and apply lubrication.
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window… If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
When your girlfriend has an abortion, it’s kinda like dodging your own bullets.
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”. The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes. The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse". The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.
Have u ever noticed When a woman is pregnant aII her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “weII done”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
My ex girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus drivers licence.
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