Roast: What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One is hairy and smells like fish and the other is a walrus. Your welcome
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
Y is it everyone wants to rub a pregnant woman stomach but never the man’s balls where the baby actually came from and the real ones that deserve the congratulations
One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.
Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won’t open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer. " Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… But I laugh more.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the f@cking autopsy!”
Girlfriend: am I pretty or ugly?
Boyfriend: your both!
Girlfriend: what do you mean by that?
Boyfriend: your pretty ugly!!!
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says “oh my god your shoulders are broad!” another woman says “are you sure it’s a woman?”
Vagina jokes aren’t funny.
Moist of the time.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “what do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed. Most women can’t pull off sarcasm
If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?
The man, because he shouldn’t be driving in the kitchen.
What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg? Eileen
A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands.” The Genie says “That is asking for quite a lot and I’m not sure if I can pull that off, Is there anything else you’d want?” The guy says "Well I’ve been married and divorced three times, and I just can’t understand what I’ve been doing wrong. I’ve given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women. The genie thinks for a few moments and says “Do you want a three or four lane highway?”
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
RUS | ENG
