Roast: What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One is hairy and smells like fish and the other is a walrus. Your welcome
Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he’s too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
Jon said:What do you call a pregnant woman? Mike said: I don’t know what? Jon said: kinder surprise
A blind man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bartender replies with, “I’m blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde.” Then says “Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke? ” the blind guy responds with "No I don’t wanna tell it that many times.
you can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning? Because they don’t have balls.
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes) What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead. 4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again
What’s the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle? my girlfriend didn’t go to jail for loving me. I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. ) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
wha can you tella dog, but not your girlfriend…? come
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg
RUS | ENG
