Me: Are you okay? Dentist: I’m just a bit surprised. When I said to you “spit it out” I wasn’t expecting you to say you’ve been shagging my wife.
One day I told my wife that she drew her I brows too high, She looked surprised.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. “Long day?” the bartender asks. “Well… My oldest son just came out…” The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. “What now?” the bartender asks. “My middle son just came out.” The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. “Again?” the bartender asks. “Yeah. My youngest son.” He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. “My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls? ?” the bartender asks. “Yeah… My wife.”
“I’m not sure why my girlfriend’s father doesn’t like me.” “What was your first impression on him?” “I told him, she calls me daddy too.”
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won’t stop complaining about their mom whats the difference between a lightbulb and a preganant woman you can unscrew the lightbulb
Boy: my girlfriend didn’t dump me, I dumped her… Off the nearby cliff
A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to. He says to the first one "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny" He says to the second one "You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy" Then the third one whispers to her son “Come on Dick, lets go.”
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
i like my woman like i like my coffee in a big sack on top of donkey
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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