Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector
my girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex and I said what’s that, she said I f@ck her ass, I said oh my uncle calls that shhhhh
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry. Onions was a good dog.
so a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him he was about to jump until he saw from a mountain side a little guy with no arms dancing around so he thought maybe my life aint so bad so he went to the mountain side thank you he said i was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until i saw you dancing even though youu have no arms dancing? the armless man said bitterly my asshole itches and i cant scratch it
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s a woman.
A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
My girlfriend is a porn star. – She will kill me if she finds out.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… But I laugh more. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy’s clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started…”. The mother cuts him off and says “just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting “I’m leaving you… Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer.”
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “what do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed. Most women can’t pull off sarcasm
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking so I brought home some tampons
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