A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Husband: Hay honey words can’t describe how beautiful you are. Wife: aww thanks Husband:But numbers can 0 out of 10
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. – But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Tell someone to look in their shirt and spell attic hehe
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break. The first guy says “If I get a vegimite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.” The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”. The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” The next day the first guy gets a vegimite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All 3 guys jump of the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals the first wife says “If he just told me I would have given him a different sandwich.” The second guys wife says “It is all my fault. If only I knew.” The third wife says “I don’t get it, he makes his own lunch.”
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most? The “cold and passed out” kind.
Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late. The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.” The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did you get any head?” The guy replies, “No, I couldn’t find it.”
How do you know when you girlfriend is to young ? you have to make airoplane noises to get her to open her mouth… sorry
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute ©, delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H). " Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
Q: What did the skeleton say when he proposed to his girlfriend? A: Will you marrow me?
My girlfriend called me a bot in fortnite, so I called her sandwich maker 3000
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