At the resturant, the waitress starts flirting with me. “She must have COVID,” my wife said. “Why?” I asked. “Cuz she clearly has no taste.” She responded.
Billy: spits out food Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths. Dad: looks at mom Mom: Shut up If you get you get it
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become. On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again. “Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?” The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.” The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank? ” The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
What’s the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle? my girlfriend didn’t go to jail for loving me. I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Flippity floppity women are property
My girlfriend is 19 and I’m 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed. It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room. My father is like Houdini, when he heard his girlfriend was pregnant he disappeared.
**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. ) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
A programmer and his wife. She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.” After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread. The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?” He replies, “They had eggs.”
Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
RUS | ENG
